Heart-to-Heart: Cultivating Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

Summary

In this episode, Chad and Sarah Gale discuss the importance of emotional intimacy in marriage. They highlight the impact of emotional connection on the overall health of a relationship and the hindrances that can prevent couples from achieving emotional intimacy. The conversation emphasizes the need for couples to have realistic expectations and open communication about emotional needs. Chad shares his personal journey of developing emotional health and vocabulary, while Sarah emphasizes the importance of time and presence in fostering emotional intimacy. The episode concludes with a discussion on the SASHET activity and the power of appreciation in strengthening emotional connection.

Takeaways

Emotional intimacy is a crucial aspect of a healthy marriage and requires intentional effort from both partners.
Having realistic expectations and open communication about emotional needs is essential for building emotional intimacy.
Men's emotional health is an important factor in fostering emotional connection in a relationship.
Creating emotional vocabulary and recognizing and addressing emotions are key steps towards emotional intimacy.
Making time for each other and being fully present in the relationship is vital for fostering emotional intimacy.
The SASHET activity, which involves sharing feelings of sadness, anger, fear, happiness, excitement, and tenderness, can be a helpful tool for couples to deepen emotional connection.
Avoiding the tendency to fix or criticize each other's emotions creates a safe space for emotional intimacy.
Expressing appreciation for each other on a consistent basis strengthens emotional connection in a marriage.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and the Impact of Marriage
00:24 Building Emotional Intimacy
01:32 Expectations of Emotional Intimacy
04:12 Recognizing and Addressing Emotional Needs
05:36 Men's Emotional Health
06:30 Creating Emotional Vocabulary
08:59 The Importance of Time and Presence
15:26 The SASHET Activity
19:06 Avoiding Fixing and Criticizing
20:53 Appreciation Time
23:29 Closing and Encouragement

Transcript

sg (00:01.537)
Hello, Hope Relentless Marriage, Chad and Sarah Gale here, and well done on changing the world. Marriages impact families, families impact communities, and communities impact the world. And so you resourcing yourself with our podcast or any other marriage resource and applying it is doing your part to change the world. It's incredible, so well done.

Chad (00:24.034)
That's right world changers, it is great to be with you today. Last week we were looking at the importance of deposits. The reality is our relationship thrives when we are intentional. And we talked about a bunch of different ways that we can be intentional from love languages to dates to words of appreciation. And today we're gonna build on that, but we're gonna talk about emotional intimacy or emotional connection.

Oftentimes at Hope Relentless when we start working with couples, whether it's premarital, dating, married, connection is a major issue. And so last week plays a significant part of that, but there's an important area in our relationship and in our individual lives that oftentimes goes unnoticed, uncared for and would benefit greatly from a level of intentionality. And that is our individual emotional health.

which directly connects to emotional intimacy. So I'm excited for this topic and really believing that for a lot of couples, this is gonna be a new opportunity and an area of growth for you.

sg (01:32.305)
Yes, I am very excited to talk about this as well because when we see couples, a lot of times, and stereotypically I'd say the woman will say, there's just no emotional intimacy. I don't feel emotionally connected. And that's a hard thing to say because what we find is that they're feeling an intense sense of loneliness. And a lot of times what we see when that happens is they're not connecting.

they're not allowing themselves to get connected and even to go into different areas of intimacy because there's this wall, because they don't feel like their internal desires or internal self is recognized and is seen. And so there's a huge disconnect. So when we're talking about emotional intimacy, we might interchange connection, but it's just that deeper connection that couples have that exist. And we're gonna talk about some of the hindrances.

to emotional intimacy, but then also we're gonna talk about ways that you can grow in emotional intimacy. And I just wanna get us started with some of the hindrances. And the first one is just our expectation of what is emotional intimacy? Because it's a big word that people, or big phrase that people bring into sessions as far as like, there's no emotional intimacy, there's no emotional connection. And I think that we have to recognize where are we getting our definition.

of what that is, what does emotional intimacy actually look like? Is it a place of demanding something from our spouse? Is it a place where we can recognize something in ourself? I do think it's a combination of recognizing something in ourself and then working with our spouse to accomplish those things or to see those things come to fruition, but it's a dynamic conversation. And so this is why I'm excited to have it. And when it comes to expectations, I do think that

it requires a conversation with your spouse as far as what do they see as emotional intimacy? What do they see as emotional connection? Are they in the same boat as you, number one? And is your expectation of emotional intimacy falling short because it's unrealistic? Did we get it from the Disney Channel? Did we get it from the romantic comedies that we watch? And we've talked about this throughout different segments as well, that unrealistic.

sg (03:56.765)
view of relationships. And so just take a moment and think about what are your expectations? Are they legitimate? Have you discussed them with your spouse? Are you guys on the same page? Those are some things to just be aware of and ask yourself.

Chad (04:12.01)
Yeah, I think that's a great point for individuals and couples to consider. And I think part of it is like emotional needs are legitimate and oftentimes how we communicate about them is part of the problem. And so in other podcasts, we talk about the four horsemen, we talk about assertive communication, like the power of speaking in an I statement and recognizing what we want.

sg (04:27.253)
Yeah, it's good, good distinction.

Chad (04:40.15)
And I think emotional intimacy is another one of those topics that's so easy to get stuck on what we don't want or what breaks down emotional intimacy. And I think those things are great from an awareness standpoint. But what I've seen is for couples recognizing how to move forward in terms of what they do want. And so I think you highlighted Sarah Gale and this is my experience a majority of the time, not always the time.

but from a gender stereotype, I think more often than not, women are looking for more emotional connection and are the ones bringing that up. And so then even tying emotional intimacy back into assertive communication and active listening, it's communicating in that I statement. Hey, I've noticed that lately I'm not feeling emotionally connected. Can we talk about how we can build emotional intimacy in a way that's important for both of us?

Like that is an open, I'm taking ownership and that's an inviting form of communication as opposed to, ah, you're just emotionally ridiculous. You're like emotionally dead. You never meet any of my emotional needs. It's like, whoa, whoa. Like, you know, pump the brakes a little bit. I think one of the hindrances speaking from my own experience and what I often see once again.

This is a generalization and is not true for all relationships. But I think for men, for husbands, to begin understanding that their own emotional health is important and is worth their own time and energy. I think for me, I've been going on a journey that dates back years or even decades, but more intentionally, the last couple years.

sg (06:19.713)
Mm.

Chad (06:30.95)
And really over the last maybe 12 to 18, 24 months max of trying to better understand my own emotions, some of my own potential past memories that I've suppressed and process those but really just developing my own emotional vocabulary has helped me recognize what I'm feeling and then begin to share it. And so for me, if we go back even just a couple years, my emotional.

Muscles my ability to recognize what I was feeling was so limited that your emotions oftentimes Overwhelmed or seemed dangerous. It's like oh like she's like upset or disappointed or angry or hurt I don't know what to do with all of that. So I'm gonna shut that type of conversation down Because I either didn't know how to recognize those in my own life or when I experience those it leads to like anger

sg (07:12.214)
Mm-hmm.

sg (07:16.233)
I'm sorry.

sg (07:22.337)
Yeah.

Chad (07:30.666)
and I would lash out in unhealthy ways. And so I think a key hindrance is both people's individual health. And this is like a super simple and we have some other things, but I just kinda wanna plug it here. This idea from a book, it talks about recognize your emotions. And so you can go online and somebody could type in.

emotional wheel or soul wheel and there'll be these wheels of all of these different emotions And so I just look at that every now and then and I ask myself Which of these words resonate? What were the events and when did I feel them and it's just that and so it starts to develop my own emotional vocabulary and I realize sometimes it's just recognizing is part of the regulation is part of just processing it

sg (08:10.561)
Mm.

sg (08:21.987)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (08:24.342)
And so now when you're sharing your emotions, I like to think that I create a little bit more space because it doesn't seem so foreign or so dangerous. Whereas before I'm like, oh no, like we're going down this pessimistic path and that, and it's like, no, my wife's just trying to share how she felt about the day's events. And so I hope that can maybe be a practical but important tool to start encouraging and taking.

baby action little action steps towards greater emotional strength and wholeness

sg (08:59.489)
That's so good. And I have watched you grow tremendously in that area. And also it, it impacts the boys. Like we have two sons, if you don't know a 15 year old and a 13 year old, little men, big men, big men, never say little and men in the same, same phrase. And they, they have learned from Chad, I think from you, your example and, and challenging them, encouraging them to.

Chad (09:12.706)
Yeah.

sg (09:26.965)
look at their emotions and look at the wheel, the emotion wheel as well. And so it's generational truly, because we pass on what we're not willing to address. And so I am so thankful that this journey has begun. And I haven't been a saint in this area either. And so I think when it comes to stereotypically, like what we're talking about women and how it's like, well, he's just not giving me any emotion or there's no emotional connection. I wanna encourage you to actually look at yourself as well, because for me,

I would have said those words. I would have said, I can't even share anything and he's not being present for me in this area. But at the same time, I was very much a hurting person that just kind of poured everything out onto him. And it didn't matter anything that he would say or it didn't matter anything that he would do. I just wanted to pour out. I wanted to be heard, I, I. And I also had a certain expectation of how he would respond.

And it's interesting because the more that I've grown in this area, the more I actually realize as Chad has grown in this area, I haven't had the emotional space to even hear his emotions. And so it's interesting how we're attracted to certain people, you know, when we first get married, it's like, I was overtly emotional wanting someone to hear all of my emotions. He wasn't emotional at all. And so that almost in a, in a weird dysfunctional way,

worked for us because he wasn't expecting anything from me. So I could just pour out everything on him. But now that he's getting more in touch with his emotions and he's coming to me with different things, I'm like, wait, wait a minute, you know, and realizing even more about myself as far as the emotional space that I am able to hold, you know, for him, and also continuing to, to work on my own emotions in a healthier way, where it's not just.

an abundance and a pour out that has no end.

Chad (11:28.862)
Yeah, and so I think keeping in line with the, what are hindrances? I think you're spot on. Like one of the hindrances that we can have is expecting our spouse to be the solution or the reason for increased emotional intimacy. Holistically in marriage, anytime we see our spouse as the problem or the solution, and we're deflecting from ourselves, we're limiting the opportunity of growth, individually and as a couple.

sg (12:15.949)
Good. So good.

Chad (12:17.041)
And so the way I can close the gap is, well, I can share more often. And we have a powerful tool. And so I can share more often.

Maybe you can share here a little bit, the sachet activity, babe, that is helpful for couples and also kind of an introduction to this. But for me, it's not just sharing the data that happened in my day, but it's how I felt about what happened in my day. And so I could come home and I could say, ah, the kids were late for carpool pickup. Okay, that's still data. How did I feel about that? The kids were late for carpool.

sg (12:30.733)
Mm-hmm.

sg (12:36.705)
Mm. Mm-hmm.

Chad (12:50.302)
and it was frustrating and here's why it was for you know so or man I got a promotion at work man that's incredible how do you how do you feel how did you process that so it's sharing the data and how we felt about that is one way that I can contribute to sharing emotional intimacy if we're not sharing how we feel about things then it's tough to have emotional intimacy it's kind of like how much physical connection can you have if you don't touch each other

sg (13:03.777)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (13:19.562)
At some point, you got to hold hands, you got a hug, you got a kiss, you got to, you know, and then as married couples, it can escalate from there, but in a good way. But you know, and so emotionally, we have to share how we're feeling about things. But it's a two way street, I need to then ask and create space for my wife to freely share how she feels. And I think this was unrelated, but helps is I, I still have a tendency to be a fixer.

sg (13:19.766)
Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry.

Chad (13:48.95)
Like I would say default, you're more the sharer and I'm more the fixer. I had to learn like, I don't have to fix anything. It's just being present and allowing you to share. And it could even be showing some level of empathy or compassion and just saying, Oh man, babe, that sounds, that sounds like a challenging day. Thank you for sharing with me. Right. And so the first step is taking ownership of sharing. But then the second part is creating space.

sg (13:53.26)
Yeah.

sg (14:08.874)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (14:18.07)
where our spouse even wants to share and feel safe. And if we fix or if we criticize or if we redirect when they have feelings, it doesn't create a safe space. And I think that was something for you that you realized you were hoping that I would create a safe space. And for the first decade plus of our marriage, 15 years, I didn't, right? Then I started to, and you liked that, but then all of a sudden you realized, whoa, whoa.

sg (14:35.565)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (14:46.486)
like we realized, Hey, babe, you got to create a safe space for me to like this needs to go both ways. And so that's been a part of our journey. And the reality is this is a different part of our relationship that is still growing and still has a lot of growth that we can experience. But it's a way to connect that is different that we didn't consistently get to experience earlier in our marriage. But can you I unless you have something else, I feel like the sachet or if there's something else that you wanted to share.

as a practical tool for couples to begin creating space and kind of connection on a daily or weekly basis to foster this growth.

sg (15:26.089)
Yeah, well, I'll just kind of throw this all in together because one of the last things I was going to say regarding a hindrance, and then we were going to go into, you know, ways we can grow, and the sachet is one of those tools. But the last thing with the hindrance is not having enough time together because all of the things we're talking about here, if we don't make the time, like the presence, the physical presence, the time to be with each other, then none of the intimacy happens.

Chad (15:42.253)
Mm.

sg (15:55.861)
Right? And so a lot of times, especially lately, I feel couples are so busy. They're so busy. And so we only have so much time in the day as is, but we're not using that time to connect in the way that we're talking about. And then we wonder why we feel distant from each other. Because like Chad, that example you gave, as far as it's just the facts, you shared the facts, right? Rather than that emotion, I don't grow closer to you by you just sharing the facts.

Maybe there's an awareness of what happened, but as far as how you're doing really, that's not there. And we wanna be known and we want to know. And so one of the ways what Chad was talking about that we can do that is that sashay, it's an acronym, and you just go through, one person goes through it at a time and it takes like 10, 15 minutes or so. So it's a quick connection point in.

You can, how it goes, the S stands for sad. So I felt sad when, and you just finish the sentence. And the other spouse is just listening. There's not really back talk, cross talk, because the goal is I wanna know how you're doing really, how you are feeling really, I would say. And then the next one is an A. I felt angry about, the next one is another S. I felt scared about, and then there's an H, I felt happy about, and then there's an E.

I felt excited about, and then there's a T. I felt tender about. So the acronym ends up forming the word sashay, S-A-S-H-E-T. So whether it's these prompts or other prompts, you can Google and find so many connection, like emotional connection prompts that you guys go through. It's all powerful when we get to take the time, and I would encourage eye contact. Look at each other.

when you are saying these, you're sharing your emotions, your feelings, and then the other person, it just creates that space for that sharing. I think something that we can often do is, because this isn't something our society does well in general, and we see it with our kids. This is something you could do with your kids, you guys, to be honest, but we see it with our kids. Having a face-to-face conversation where you're just there to...

Chad (18:06.764)
Yeah.

Chad (18:11.425)
Yeah.

sg (18:17.197)
to learn more about the person and to just be present is very rare and it can be uncomfortable. And so it's providing, recognizing that it is a growing process, giving yourself grace as you are growing in this, but trying to make it a bit more consistent in that connection piece.

Chad (18:37.226)
Yeah, I love it. And I think you slipped in there, but just want to expand like, what no cross talking means is if you're going to respond, what I encourage you to respond with is something like thank you for sharing. Or what I hear you saying is when blank happened, you felt blank, and it's just echoing back. Because otherwise we run into fixing our spouse, which erodes the safety. And so that's what we mean by cross talking.

sg (18:50.243)
Mm-hmm.

sg (18:56.206)
Mm-hmm.

sg (19:02.378)
Yeah.

sg (19:06.781)
And Chad, I want to add in there, and it's like, sometimes we say, oh, well, you shouldn't feel that way, or oh, no, like, it's okay, because we mean well, but then it prevents us from really being present for our spouse.

Chad (19:20.97)
Yeah, and those are those are classic examples where the intentions are good, but the end result isn't right. We're trying to protect and that's what I used to do a lot. I used to try and protect I don't want my wife to experience these negative emotions. But then the reality is if I force you to suppress and shut them down, I've taken the opportunity for you to recognize and regulate and so now you suppress.

sg (19:48.631)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (19:48.662)
which likely means at some other point that builds up into a much bigger issue. And so we can see, you know, there's some great work around mental health and emotional health. And a lot of these things come down to these daily habits. And this is one of the benefits of a spouse. We have a partner to live life with, to share and process when these are low level things. And that...

sg (19:56.141)
Mm-hmm.

sg (20:05.546)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (20:16.31)
brings health so that they don't get suppressed and grow and fester into bigger potential issues in our life when we can share and address and receive healing from the love of our spouse on a more consistent basis.

sg (20:32.285)
Okay, well, we have some other things to talk about regarding this, but we're, we're at a time. You guys will be here for hours if we just keep talking. And so unless you have anything you want to say, just kind of to close us out on this subject or I get, not the subjects, we're going to still finish it out, but anything to add before we close out, Chad?

Chad (20:53.234)
I just think your typical appreciation jingle.

sg (20:56.901)
Okay. So that means he's loving the appreciation time, which he kind of just laughs at me when I do the jingle, but he loves it. Look at him. He brought it up. So this is appreciation time. I do my jingle and we do it. So yes, we can hear appreciation of each other. We like to be told.

But also just as a model of something that we hope you guys will grab hold of and appreciate one another consistently. Make it consistent. Let's create an atmosphere where we are appreciating others or not others more. Yeah, let's appreciate others, but more specifically our spouse. Let's not leave it to someone else to appreciate them. Let's be the biggest appreciator. And so it's appreciation time, appreciation time, appreciation time. Chad, David, one thing I appreciate about you.

is your commitment to grow. Just like you talked about here as far as the emotions, you realize, wow, there's something that I can grow in and you have been diligent. You guys should have seen him. He ordered all these books. He printed out all the emotion wheels. I'm not laughing at you, but I really appreciate that because I know that you're not gonna be limited by anything because if there's a way to grow, you're gonna find it and that just creates a.

atmosphere I want to be a part of.

Chad (22:17.558)
Thanks babe, I appreciate that. One of the things I appreciate about you is your patience because as we're talking about this, I wouldn't even say this is a strength yet, but it's something that we're actively growing in. And for 15, 16 years of our marriage, that was not the case. So I appreciate your patience. And as I started to learn and grow, just your encouragement and support and not.

sg (22:31.137)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (22:45.614)
kind of following up with judgment or pointing the finger. So I just appreciate you coming alongside when I kind of finally caught up that these emotions and feelings are important. And so I appreciate your encouragement and your support on this journey.

sg (23:01.953)
Thank you. And I wanted to refute a couple of the things he said because I don't feel like I've been a saint in this area, like I said before, but I wanna bring it up because for you guys, as you're growing and appreciating one another, just take it. Just say thank you. Don't be like, oh no, thank you. So I wanna say to you, thank you. All right, well, we're gonna end here and I recognize that.

you who are listening might be in very different places in your marriage. And so I just want to encourage you, we want to encourage you and remind you that no matter what, there's always, always hope.