From Hurtful to Healing: Harnessing the Power of Words

The Hope Relentless Marriage Podcast, hosted by Chad and Sarah-Gayle Galbreath, focuses on building strong and healthy relationships. In this episode, we delve into the power of words in relationships. We emphasize the significance of positive communication and intentional deposits into the relationship's emotional bank account. Drawing from biblical teachings and scientific research, we highlight how words can impact not only emotions but also physical well-being.

We stress the importance of speaking life into each other, using encouraging words, and being intentional about positivity. We discuss practical steps couples can take to improve their communication, such as using "I" statements to express feelings and engaging in exercises like the encouragement exercise.

The episode concludes with an appreciation time, where we express gratitude for each other's positive attributes and contributions to our family life. Overall, our podcast encourages listeners to cultivate a culture of positivity, encouragement, and hope in their marriages.

Hope Relentless Marriage Podcast

Transcript

sg (00:01.346)
Hello and welcome to Hope Relentless Marriage Podcast. We are honored that you are tuning in. My name is Sarah Gale and my amazing, incredibly good looking husband, Chad David is joining us. And actually he's on the podcast. He's a regular, so. But we are so happy to have you world changers on because remember as you are resourcing your marriage, you are changing the world because truly marriages impact families.

Families impact communities, and communities impact the world. So well done.

Chad (00:33.036)
That's right world changers. It is great to be with you today. We've been talking about the importance of deposits at hope relentless. We love working with couples. Um, and a lot of what we talk about is communication and connection and deposits is an important part of connection. The reality is even if we become great communicators and we minimize those epic fights that are just hurtful and toxic,

We still need to enjoy our time together. And so that is what deposits is all about. It's about enjoying the relationship, building the friendship. It's those moments of laughter, those moments of joy. And so last week we were talking about deposits and looking specifically at thoughts and how the thoughts that we have impact our relationship. Well, today we're gonna dive deep into the power.

of our words. And so I want to share a portion of scripture, a biblical truth that we find out of Proverbs chapter 18, it says death and life are in the power of the tongue. I could just pause right there. I'm going to read that again. Death and life are in the power of the tongue and those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.

So as we get ready to talk about words, it's a big deal, literally life and death. It might seem simple, but it is not. So we're excited to have a conversation today and look at the importance of our words and the role that they play in either building or destroying the relationships and the marriage that we wanna create.

sg (02:16.202)
Wow, I feel like he just said Mufasa. And he just shiver for those Lion King people. You know what I'm talking about? So this is huge. And you know, God spoke the world into existence. And so the world responds to words. And this is an example in a book called, Words Can Change Your Brain. Dr. Andrew Newberg, who's a neuroscientist, and Mark Robert Waldman.

who is a communication expert says that a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress. And so that's just one example of the significance of our words. It literally changes the chemistry of our body. And so I just want to encourage us all listening to hold ourselves to a higher standard when it comes to what we allow out of our mouths. We talked to so many couples who

you know, explain the recent argument that they had and how everybody was going low. They were throwing the low blows verbally. And it's one of those things where I try to encourage them that, you know what, we are able to have self-control. You know, for those of us who are Christian, it is a fruit of the spirit. We have self-control and really it's this idea of holding ourselves to a higher standard because for our kids, for example, we won't just go cuss out our kids. I mean, maybe some people will, but let's...

Some people just parent like that. But in general, let's say that's a bit taboo. We won't just cuss out our kids. And the question is why? Why can I, why am I more likely to speak to my spouse in a way that I won't speak to my child? Well, part of it is we recognize, well, our spouse is an adult and they are, should maybe in our minds be responsible people where we have a little bit more grace for our children. But...

In reality, that just shows that we can make a distinction between what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. So we're able to use self-control when we're dealing with our children. And I wanna encourage us to use that same self-control when we're dealing with our spouse. Let's have a higher standard of, we just don't go certain places. We just don't say certain things just because they said something and we felt like we had to respond. No, let's hold ourselves to a higher standard and have a...

sg (04:39.102)
a better boundary as far as what we allow to come out of our mouths when it comes to our spouse.

Chad (04:44.8)
Yeah, I think that's a good, a good challenge and a good standard to just raise our individual standard. And a lot of what we talk about at Hope Relentless starts with personal responsibility. And so this is one of those areas. This doesn't change kind of that trajectory of growth and health and a relationship. Focus on your words. It's easy to focus on our spouse's words, maybe their criticism, but focus first on the words that are coming out of your own mouth.

sg (04:55.608)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (05:14.42)
I think about a phrase, a collection of words that often plays a key role in defining a relationship and it's the phrase, I love you.

They're words, but they're words that give life and give encouragement. And so we can see the power of words. You know, we've talked.

sg (05:30.273)
Yeah.

sg (05:38.686)
Wait a second, let's just, I just want to interject here because I remember the first time Chad David said, I love you to me, we were in a truck in the back of the truck. I think we were going to Reno, we were going shopping or I don't know why we were there. And he just leans over to me and he's like, I love you. And I don't know if you could hear me, but I whispered, I love you. And I was just like smitten and I'm like, I love you too.

And so what you're saying, Chad, it's so true. I forget that though, right? Like that's kind of a defining thing. So yeah, that was, I'm glad you said that.

Chad (06:14.252)
Yeah, for a lot of relationships, they remember potentially when and where they were the first time they heard that phrase. And you think about that, that's a high value phrase. It's words, but they mean something. So we know that words mean something. At times we talk about the four horsemen from Drs. John and Julie Gottman and just the incredible work that they've done at the Gottman Institute. And the four horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.

sg (06:24.385)
Yeah.

Chad (06:44.136)
A lot of these things that break down communication are words in the negative. They're hurtful words. You know, one of the things when working with couples, because this falls under the contempt category is to eliminate name calling. Your name calling can at times can be, Oh, we're just teasing or we're just making fun, but oftentimes it is eroding the relationship. It's

It's their little jabs their little daggers into our spouse into these meaningful relationships And the reality is there's a better option like there's better options of using our words you know in James chapter 3 verse 9 it kind of points out this tension as Christians that we can face and that is with the tongue. We praise our Lord and Father and with it we curse

human beings who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. And so here's this idea again in scripture that words matter. And I know, you know, we all heard that little saying, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. And it's just not true. Study after study after study highlights. It's just not true.

sg (07:58.838)
But names will never help.

sg (08:06.998)
Yeah.

Chad (08:07.)
they will both break our bones, obviously sticks and bones hurt. Well, words can erode a relationship. And so I think one of the big takeaways before we even get to the takeaways is to consider the importance of your words and ask yourself, are my words building relationship or they destroy? You know, to stick with one of these studies, it talks about the magic ratio of positive to negative is five to one. It's not one to one.

sg (08:28.34)
Yeah.

Chad (08:36.916)
It's five to one. And if we wanna reach the ratio of five positive interactions, five positive deposits with our words for every one harsh or critical or conflict driven situation, we have to be intentional. Oftentimes, if we're not intentional, we might land somewhere close to one to one. But really, I feel like in listening to couples and in my own life, it's easy to fall out of the intentional deposits.

And so it's important to remain intentional and to pursue that magic ratio of five to one. You know, this is something we talk about with our boys all the time of trying to get them to use their words to bring life, right? To deposit, to give courage. And I think the last thing I'll say before I throw this back to you, babe, is.

What we listen to, what we read, what we talk about, what we watch matters. If we're having a hard time depositing courage to be encouraging and uplifting, it might be that we don't have a lot of that in our own life. It's hard to give something that we're not aware of. So I wanna encourage you, the type of music we listen to, the books that we read, the YouTube videos we watch, whatever it is,

Get positive encouragement deposited into your own life and watch, it'll start to become a natural outpouring as we interact with other people. And so let's really move towards that five to one ratio with our words and use our words to bring life, to bring hope and to bring encouragement to the people around us.

sg (10:17.494)
Awesome. Yeah. That five to one ratio really stands out to me because you have to be intentional to have even five positive interactions because a lot of us just go to and fro. We're just getting stuff done and we don't take the time to stop and, you know, make that eye contact to say that kind thing of appreciation. And so the, the five to one is something that's intentional and Chad, I liked how you talked about being intentional because sometimes I think we think, well, if I just.

you know, this is another saying, if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all. Well, over time when it comes to marriage, if we're just not saying anything at all, that's not gonna build the intimacy in the marriage that we want either. And so a lot of times when we're not, you know, filling the gap in being present and saying things, that's negligence. And so it's not that we don't wanna say anything at all, we just want the things that we say to be more positive, to be more life-giving. So,

Chad (10:50.253)
Yeah.

sg (11:13.222)
I know that we all haven't been perfect at this. I know I certainly haven't been perfect at this. And the question I want to pose is, what do we do if our words have hurt our spouse? So we are the ones who, as we're listening to this podcast, we're recognizing, oh my gosh, like, I don't really realize the power of words and we feel just inspired to grow in this area. I would say the first thing is to repent, to recognize that you want to turn.

from the way you've been doing things and you wanna do something different. You wanna do something that is honoring to God and to your spouse in the way of speaking life to your spouse and speaking positivity over them. And then the other thing I would say is to ask your spouse for forgiveness. Let them know that you're aware of the words that have been coming out of your mouth and that you are truly sorrowful. Is that even a word? Because that's difficult to say, sorrowful.

Um, yeah, because that doesn't sound right, but you are sorry. Remorseful. It's kind of that's, I think that's more of the word I was looking for. You're, you're truly remorseful, meaning it matters to you that, that you recognize that this is how you've been interacting with them, the words that you've been saying, you haven't had self control. And so it's asking them for forgiveness for, um, just what has been going on. And then.

Chad (12:10.848)
I think you made that one up. I don't know. Sorry or remorseful.

sg (12:36.962)
Truly, it's making those positive deposits. It's really focusing on what can I say that is going to uplift my spouse and being intentional about finding even creative ways to speak positivity and to speak into areas maybe of discouragement when it comes to your spouse.

Chad (12:57.132)
Yeah, I think that's really good, babe. The dynamic of bridging the gap that can exist, right? That's what repenting is doing. And so I wanna talk about the question of, well, what if our spouse's words have hurt us? Now what do we do? And I think it's just letting our spouse know in a healthy way. And so that can just look like using I statements, sometimes a simple.

sg (13:12.953)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (13:25.4)
Speech pattern can be when blank happened, I felt blank. You know, so it could just be, hey, when you said that word, I felt sad. And I would appreciate encouraging or positive words. Right, we don't have to attack and belittle our spouse as a way to get them to know that their words hurt. We can simply just share with them. Hey, when you said that, that hurt, it made me sad.

Um, you know, and there's a level of vulnerability there, but there's also a level of authenticity and trust that are attributes that help relationships thrive, even this idea of repentance or being remorseful. It isn't an acknowledge it. Yeah. Are we saying we made a mistake? Obviously, but as people, we make a mistake, but what we're really doing is taking a proactive approach to bring restoration to the relationship because the relationship is important.

sg (14:03.601)
Mm-hmm.

Chad (14:22.464)
So actually saying sorry can be a place of strength because it's saying, hey, you are important to me and I'm recognizing that I messed up and my pride is in no way more important than our relationship. And so taking a humble stance is easy in light of what I'm actually trying to create and that is a meaningful relationship with you. And so it's the same thing when we simply share with our spouse. Sometimes when working with couples,

It can take a while and then a spouse will share something and the other person will be surprised and be like, I didn't realize that upset you. And they stop. And just like that, it's just this open communication with our words to create and build the life that we really want to build and to create together.

sg (14:59.246)
Mm-hmm.

sg (15:12.51)
Yeah. All right. So I want to talk about a few action steps. Then Chad, you can chime in here as well. If there's anything in addition you're thinking of. The first one I would say when it comes to action steps is taking inventory of what do you say to yourself? Do you speak positive phrases or do you have different sayings that you're saying out loud to yourself? And so sometimes people will find scripture, like maybe if they have

a moment where or a season there actually is what I mean, where there's low self-esteem, they might just start to find some scripture that speaks to kind of who God created them to be and they're going to like say that scripture out loud over and over again, like I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So they're going to say that over and over. This also looks like affirmations. Some people have affirmations where they'll say over and over and there's power when we're saying it out loud and we're not just thinking it.

but we're saying it out loud. There's power there. And then the other thing is, what do you say to your spouse? Like how are you talking to your spouse? So take inventory on that. And if it's mostly negative, then let's start to transform that into positive. And thinking even of that five to one ratio, it's recognizing, hey, are we speaking positive? Are we doing positive things with one another consistently?

because a lot of times we're, we might get in this rut or we're working on our marriage and we're just, we're realizing all the things that we're doing incorrectly or that aren't productive. And we just kind of get focused on those things and inundated with those things. And then it's difficult to enjoy one another because we're in the trenches all day, every day. And that is really tiring for a relationship. And so we want to focus in on, okay, what are the positive things that we're saying that we're doing in our

relationship in the midst of us working on it, in the midst of challenging times, what are we doing to move the relationship forward in a way that is positive? And let's focus in on those things.

Chad (17:21.172)
Yeah, I think those are good. I don't have anything specific to add to the action items. I think those are great.

sg (17:29.23)
Okay, I kind of alluded to this, but I didn't map it out. So I want to map it out a little bit because it's been very powerful for our couples in session. And that is the encouragement exercise that we do. And so how it works is you ask each other, okay, what is something that you could use encouragement in? And if someone says, oh, I'm just having a hard time with exercise or getting in shape, then the spouse,

who's listening will then speak life over them. And when I say speak life, I just mean speak encouraging words. And so what I tell couples is I say, let's speak encouraging words. Let's have two components of the encouraging words that you speak. Let's have the first one be reminding them of who they are and basically how awesome they are. And then the second one is assuring them that you're with them. You're in this together. They're not alone.

And so outside of that, you say whatever you want. And in reality, you can say whatever you want if as long as it's encouraging. But I have found that when we remind our spouse who they are in the midst of their challenge and just say, hey, you know what? I know you're having a hard time with getting in shape, but hey, I see that you are an overcomer. Like last year you got in shape, when you did that marathon the year before, you have a track record of being someone who follows through and who's able to get in shape. And so...

You are a child of God, you know, and so you just keep going on. This is who you are. You're like shaking them, reminding them. And then you're saying, and you know what? You're not alone. I'm with you. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help because I see you and I want to support you in any way that I can. And so that's as, that's, that's as simple and as powerful as it, as it goes. And we have couples who are crying at this portion because we're making eye contact also when we're doing this, we're sitting face to face, body to body, making eye contact.

And so that's an exercise practically that you can try as soon as you get off this podcast with your spouse. Do exactly those steps and then just see that emotional intimacy that comes from that and that connection. So that's all I have about that. Anything else, Chad?

Chad (19:40.032)
Yeah, I just love that idea that it's, I mean, imagine if you are your spouse's like number one hype man, but with genuine specific words, like just imagine how, and we see it when we work with couples, how life giving that moment is. It's just super powerful. I really hope for everybody who listening, do that. Take, do that exercise and watch the impact it has in your body language, in your connection, in your emotions.

sg (19:47.361)
Yeah.

Chad (20:09.6)
It's a really powerful exercise.

sg (20:12.066)
Awesome. I tell my couples also, it's funny because Chad, I think you learned some of the things that I say to my couples on these podcasts where you're like, that's interesting. Because you, I know you do things differently sometimes, but it's like, I also tell my couples, don't let some other schmuck be the one to tell your spouse how awesome they are. You be the one, like you be the hype man, like you're saying. So let's continue being the hype people for our spouse. And speaking of hype.

I want to move into appreciation time. And appreciation time is something that we do every podcast, and we hope and encourage you to do in your home daily with each other. And it's just building those deposits, filling those cups with positivity, things that you appreciate that you see in your spouse. So Chad, David, oh gosh, how could I almost forget the jingle? Appreciation time, appreciation time, appreciation time. Chad, David.

Chad (21:03.508)
I was gonna say.

sg (21:12.063)
I appreciate that you are a present father. And when I say present father, what I mean by that is you are involved, whether it be in their sports, in their spiritual growth, in the boys' spiritual growth, in basically anything that they are involved in, you are deeply involved in as well, and even more so than I am. Sometimes I'm...

off to myself and it's nice because I know you're there, you're with them, you're helping make the lunches or whatever it may be for that day. So I really appreciate that and I don't take it for granted because it's not always something that's normal and I see that in you so thank you so much.

Chad (21:59.78)
Thank you, babe. I appreciate the beauty that you bring into our house. So for those of you that don't know, Sarah Gale is married to me, obviously, and we have two sons. And the three of us, us three boys, have a tendency to bring a lot of things to the house, and beauty isn't always one of them. And so got back from a recent road trip, and there was these little flowers and these little vases in the bathrooms, and just...

brings beauty into our home and into our lives and also just positive aromas. You know, our house smells good and that is a result of your intentional action to overcome our teenage sons and their aromas that they bring back into the house. But I just appreciate the beauty that you bring into my life and into our family's life.

sg (22:55.222)
Thank you. See, this is so great. I only do these podcasts for these moments at the end. No, joking, joking. All right, well, that's what we have planned for today. And I hope that you join us for next week's podcast. And regardless of if you're in a high place or a low place, I want you to know that there's always, always hope.