Breaking the Blame Game: How to Build Stronger Marriages

In this podcast episode, we discuss the importance of personal responsibility in marriage. We emphasize that while communication and connection are vital tools, personal responsibility is equally crucial. Chad discusses the tendency for individuals to blame their spouse in challenging situations, highlighting how the blame game might provide short-term relief but doesn't offer a solution.

We explore common scenarios where personal responsibility can shift dynamics in a marriage, such as reacting to criticism, transactional interactions, unmet expectations, and the assumption that one's spouse should know what they need without clear communication. The conversation underscores the transformative power of personal responsibility in improving communication, understanding, and overall relationship dynamics.

We encourage couples to communicate clearly, avoid assumptions, and take proactive steps to understand and support each other. The episode ends with expressions of appreciation and encouragement for couples to persevere and find hope in their marriage journey.

For more info please visit our website: www.hoperelentless.com

Transcript

sg (00:01.23)
Hey there and welcome to the Hope Relentless Marriage podcast. Chad and Sarah-Gayle here and we are honored that you are tuning in and it's incredible truly because you are changing the world when you tune in. I say it all the time, but I'm going to say it and continue to say it that when you resource your marriage, it is impacting your family and families impact communities and communities impact the world. And so that's how we are changing the world one marriage at a time.

Chad (00:28.462)
That's right world changers, it is so good to be with you today. Today we are going to talk about the importance of personal responsibility. And so at Hope Relentless when we work with couples, we have tools around communication, we have tools around connection, but at the end of the day, Sarah Gayle and I talk about how important personal responsibility is. And I think sometimes it's being honest with our humanity.

Like when I'm tired, like to keep it real, it's so much easier to just blame Sarah Gayle. Like, you know, if she would just do this or if she would just do that. And the blame game is in the short term, like it releases us from being responsible. It releases me from maybe having to apologize or take action or serve or contribute. And so I think.

I think it's important to be honest with ourselves that in the short term, the blame game has some benefits and that's that you're the problem, right? Like my spouse is the problem. The challenge is the blame game, while it might feel good to release ourself of responsibility in the short term, doesn't provide the solution. And so today what we want to talk about is when we feel stuck in our marriage,

And our marriage is dynamic. There can be a lot of different areas. Oftentimes, personal responsibility is the solution to help our marriage get unstuck, moving away from the if they would just and into the question of how can I make a difference? How can I contribute? How can I add value to this area?

of our marriage. And I think when we start asking different questions, we start getting different answers and it'll give us clarity on how we can make an impact. And so today, Sarah Gayle and I want to look at some common phrases or mindsets or perspectives and highlight how personal responsibility can be the solution to helping you navigate this season of your marriage and really to help your marriage get unstuck from where it is.

Chad (02:48.334)
and to experience more of the love and the support and the encouragement and the enjoyment that many of us want to experience in the day today.

sg (02:59.822)
So this is so important and it was funny Chad, because we are talking about world changers, you know, resourcing our marriage. And then it's like today we're going to talk about personal responsibility. And it was just kind of like, wah, wah. But it is so important and it actually can be exciting when you realize that you don't have to be a victim. You don't have to just sit back and have nothing to do. There are things that you can actually do that impact the situation. And so,

Chad (03:14.446)
Wah wah wah.

sg (03:29.742)
We're gonna talk about a lot of they statements. And the first one I wanna say is, they made me so mad that I responded how I responded. And so they deserved it because they pushed me to the edge and so I snapped. And we hear this all the time with our couples because a lot of times,

Chad (03:32.48)
Uh oh.

Chad (03:39.918)
Yeah, they deserved it.

sg (03:51.918)
just to be honest, I think we feel justified. It's like if someone is criticizing us, if someone is being rude to us, if someone is cussing at us, what are we supposed to do except cuss back and criticize back? And so it gets to this place where we just excuse ourselves from acting in any other way than just a response that is equally combative and equally hurtful as the one that we would have received that provoked us. And so I want to...

Chad (04:02.606)
That's right.

sg (04:19.918)
kind of give an alternative to this. And really it's a recognition that if we perpetuate this cycle of negative language and we just say, well, they made me do it, that is the opposite of taking personal responsibility. And I know that we've all heard, it's kind of like, we can't control how people treat us, but we can control our attitude to it. And it's not, again, it's not an exciting thing, but it is true. We can truly control our attitude.

Chad (04:42.85)
Yeah.

sg (04:49.006)
And with this first they points as far as they spoke to me in this way, so they made me do it. Um, we can definitely, we can definitely control how we are responding and it's beneficial and research will show that it's crucial. So John Gottman, um, did a lot of research around, um, communication. And one of the things he talks about is how we talk to each other is everything.

Chad (05:12.918)
Yep.

sg (05:13.038)
So it's not a matter of how many times we get in an argument and, and, and all that. It's a matter of when we are in these arguments or in these disagreements, are we still being respectful? Is our tone of voice still calm? Are we making eye contact? Are the words we're using edifying instead of tearing down? So how we talk to each other has to be something that we hold ourselves accountable to, regardless of what was said to us, because we know.

The only way to break that cycle and that negative pattern is to start to do something different and maintain a level of respect in the midst of an atmosphere that might feel like it doesn't have much respect. We get to do something different by speaking to our spouse in a way that's still honoring in the midst of it all.

Chad (06:00.246)
I mean, you mentioned Gottman and they talk about like the five to one, which is like positive words to negative words. And we just talked about that a couple podcasts ago. You know, but one of the things that we try and teach couples is the four horsemen really to identify what are the things that come up that complicate communication, right? And so quickly the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. And these are outlined. We talk about these, we teach these.

sg (06:06.658)
Mm -hmm.

Chad (06:28.448)
Obviously, Dr. John and Julie Gottman kind of created this terminology and have done incredible work. But I think it's this dynamic that I try and get couples to understand even when your spouse is critical, you don't have to be defensive, right? You don't have to be critical back. And so when we'll take ownership over how we respond, and then big picture, I would say,

how do we get the relationship or how do we view our contribution so that it's less reactive and more proactive, right? Because this whole idea here is I'm justified because I am reacting to what they did or said. And at the end of the day, just a proactive, more intentional involvement with our spouse is gonna get us to a healthier, more enjoyable place. And so kind of another thing that comes up a lot,

that is similar in vein but slightly different is, if they don't give me what I want, I won't give them what they want. This comes up a lot in intimacy. Stereotypically, this isn't always the case, but women feel connected when there's an increase or high emotional intimacy. When they feel connected, they're more likely to want to participate in sexual intimacy.

For men, sometimes it's the exact opposite. They have sex, then they feel connected. Women wanna feel connected and then have sex. And this comes up, it's like, you know, there's low intimacy, emotionally and sexually, and both are waiting and feel justified or demand that the other person gives them what they want prior to or in a transaction. And...

You know, this is the dynamic of in our marriage, we want to stay away from transactional interactions where I do this and you do that. You do that and I do this. Because once somebody doesn't do their part, really the whole relationship falls apart. I was on a business masterclass meeting and this idea of transformative relationships came up in a business setting. This was talking about networking. And the idea was,

Chad (08:42.03)
that when two people come together in a transformative relationship, then they both experience and create more than they could ever create on their own. And the leader was talking about that transformative will produce significantly more value than transactional. Transactional, you get exactly what you pay for. So the only way to get more is to pay more. Well, that's not what we want in our marriages.

And I just love that picture of a transformative relationship where two people come together and what we experience and what we create is significantly more than we ever could on our own. And so I just want to put that word out there and in the vein of personal responsibility. I'm not sitting here thinking, well, if Sarah Gill would just have a transformative attitude, then we would have that. No, it's like,

How do I contribute to a transformative attitude? How do I add value in a way where my marriage is better because of the things that I'm doing on a day -to -day basis?

sg (09:53.486)
That's so good. And I think it's a hard pill to swallow if you think about it because sometimes we want the satisfaction, if you will, of being able to say like, you did this or you didn't do this. I'm mad because of you, you know, and just point. But I think in reality, as we're wanting to grow our marriage and grow our relationship, that doesn't serve us, you know, that doesn't serve the relationship to just cast blame and to have that transaction.

Chad (10:09.806)
Yeah.

sg (10:22.36)
transactional relationship happening. And so it's something just to be aware of as far as like, if you feel like you need that, that satisfaction, if you will, of the other person, you know, kind of throwing them under the bus and making sure they know that they did this. They know that they hurt you to the point where it goes beyond just communicating in a way that you're, you're focusing on the how, you know, respectful, but it goes beyond that where you're, you're wanting more. It's something to look at personally because.

Chad (10:37.484)
Yeah.

sg (10:52.046)
Sometimes there's healing that needs to happen. There's forgiveness that needs to happen for us to get to this place where we can take that personal responsibility because sometimes our hearts are so hardened. We're like, Oh heck no, I'm not trying to take any kind of responsibility. And that's detrimental for the relationship because to move forward, we have to heal those things and we need to address them. And then we get to move forward. We can't just build on top of a foundation that's no good.

So I wanted to say that, even though that wasn't really on the notes. But the next thing that I wanted to bring up was this idea when it comes to the five love languages. And this is a little bit of a reach when it comes to they, but it's relevant and you'll see why. So when it comes to the five love languages, a lot of times we go through and we create some ideas as far as like, oh, you know, this is how I receive love.

Chad (11:22.286)
Yeah.

sg (11:50.414)
Or this is what you can do, you know, to serve me because we, that's important. We want to tell our spouses how we like to receive love just to give them some ideas and some practical ways to love us, you know, and even to respect us. So we want to give them clarity. The challenge is when we have this conversation, we're all excited because we're going to love each other and the love languages or whatnot. And then it doesn't happen or it happens for a little bit of time. And then eventually it tapers off.

Chad (12:01.902)
Yeah.

sg (12:19.598)
And what I have seen with couples is I have seen almost divorces, separations from this, this exact thing where they're like, well, we've talked about it, agnauseum and nothing changes, nothing changes. And because they aren't loving me, there's the they, because they aren't loving me the way I said I needed to be loved. It's we're done because it's been so long. And so the challenge with that is we are.

Chad (12:35.648)
Yeah.

sg (12:47.87)
jumping to conclusion in the sense of assumptions. And the reason I say this is because we're, we're upset because like, well, they must not care for us. Like they're, they don't care. They don't care. And this is what we say. You don't care because if you did, this is what you would do. But we're assuming that we're not talking when walking with them as far as, okay, what, how can we grow this? How can we make this better? What, what do we need to do? Um, who can hold us accountable because.

We want to learn from our spouse. What is their heart? Do they really not care? And that's why they're not following through, but, or is there something different? And so rather than assume we want to have the conversation.

Chad (13:30.958)
Yeah, and I like this word. I know in the past you haven't liked this word, but well, we want to avoid like transactional, right? Because in the love languages, that's where it can break down. Well, his love language was words and I wrote him a note and then the next day I wrote him a note and he never did any of my love languages or the other way around. My love language is physical touch and she never touches me, so I'm not going to, you know, whatever it is.

sg (13:49.102)
Mm -hmm.

Chad (13:56.846)
It's like we weaponize, right? We take the opportunity to make meaningful deposits. And that's what I think the love languages can be so powerful to give each other a better understanding of how to love each other well and how to love each other in a language they understand. The other side of that is when we weaponize it against. And I think the defining characteristic is personal responsibility. Are we thinking of how I...

sg (14:18.496)
Mm -hmm.

Chad (14:25.646)
can demonstrate my spouse's love languages or am I thinking about what they owe me? And it just comes down to that personal responsibility dynamic. You touched on it a little bit, but this is a little bit different. This is they should know. So another area that this comes up of the lack of personal responsibility is they should know. And, you know, I really think that some of the most critical phrases or judgments we can have is they should or they could, right? It's a judgment on what

sg (14:35.054)
Mm -hmm.

Chad (14:56.078)
we think they should have done. And you say this all the time, it's say what you mean and mean what you say. And so sometimes if we get away from just they should know it's, did I communicate clearly? Did I share my intentions? Did I, right? It's, it's a constant personal reflection of how do I bring value, right? And it's, it's subtle.

sg (14:58.094)
Mm -hmm.

Chad (15:21.964)
And I get it because, you we've all heard that saying that hurting people hurt people, but let's say that that's true. And, but is that what we want? Right? So if I hurt you and so then you are justified and you hurt me. Well, now I'm hurt. So I hurt you. And I think this is what breaks my heart. Sometimes when working with couples is we can like see the path that they're on, right? This path of.

sg (15:32.846)
Yeah.

Chad (15:48.91)
They should know this path of assumptions, transactional, like they deserve it, all of this stuff. And it's just heartbreaking because you can see that it might seem like a simple shift, but when couples make it, it like transforms their relationship and very quickly, right? When couples start taking personal responsibility, I had this one couple, he just kept stuff in his head.

And he lost track of what did he share with his wife and what did he just think about? And so they had this massive argument where he was convinced that he had said something and she was like, just that never happened. And then somehow he got this epiphany and he realized I never said it. Right. And so now he's being intentional of just, I'm going to say what I mean and mean what I say. I'm going to do a better job of proactively communicating in the positive.

sg (16:20.91)
Mm.

sg (16:35.438)
Hmm.

Chad (16:46.446)
And it's completely transformed their communication because they're talking about the tangibles instead of the intangibles, right? Not what they should have done reflectively, but this is what's important in I statements proactively. And it's just so fun to see. And so that's really my hope as you know, I think we've got a couple more here. It's just that couples will make that shift into the personal responsibility and see how much easier communication gets.

You know, one of the sayings that I like to share with couples is more often than not, it's not about perfection, but if we can start taking personal responsibility more often than not, I'm confident it'll have a positive impact on somebody's communication.

sg (17:35.822)
That's so good. And I have to share this because this comes up in that same vein consistently. And the idea is there's a woman, you know, like think of a mom, like holding a baby, trying to get some dishes done or, you know, also work on dinner and she's doing a lot. And the husband walks in from a long day at work and he sits on the couch and now they're fighting, but no words were said. And so the thing, what I'm trying to get to is the wife,

Chad (18:00.524)
Yep.

sg (18:05.61)
you know, stereotypically thinks he should know. He walks in, he has eyes, he can see me doing all this stuff, right? It's like, so there goes the assumption, he just must not care. He should know.

Chad (18:11.406)
He sees me. Yeah.

sg (18:17.934)
But in reality, he might be thinking, oh my goodness, I just got home from a long, long day of work and there were a lot of things that went on in my world. And then the wife is upset and he's thinking she should know. She should know that I work hard, that I don't have any time to myself, that I was up at three in the morning. You know what I mean? And so all of this is solved with communication. Hey babe, do you mind helping me with dinner while I'm doing dishes? You know, it's just a simple ask.

Chad (18:33.26)
Yeah.

Chad (18:37.42)
Yeah.

sg (18:47.79)
And then if it goes south that way, then after that we have different things to talk about. But the point is, let's do the first step. And rather than assuming and saying they should and all this stuff, let's just take that initiative and let's put the ask out there, say what we mean, mean what we say. Okay, so this is one of the last ones. And this one is, if they did what I said, I wouldn't have to nag.

Chad (19:03.726)
Yep, so good.

Chad (19:17.006)
Yeah. Can I, can I, can I jump in before you start? I think here is the challenging part. You're right. You're right. The biggest challenge when we blame and accuse and a lot of these scenarios were right. I was rude. You were late. You right? Like the, the, the challenges, those don't bring the solution that we want.

sg (19:17.71)
So we justify. Yeah, yeah.

sg (19:35.926)
Mm -hmm.

Chad (19:47.022)
And so I think like this is, you know, you're right, if he did it, you wouldn't be nagging. But just because he did, you know, if he did what you said, you wouldn't nag, you're right, because it would be done, you wouldn't be nagging about the dishes if the dishes were put away. But I'll let you jump in because I think sometimes couples, somewhere in our life, we've elevated this concept of being right, translates to creating what we want. And it just doesn't, especially in a marriage, and a marriage like

sg (20:00.448)
Mm -hmm.

sg (20:12.974)
Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

Chad (20:16.846)
The fastest way I think to destroy a marriage is for both people to be focused on being right all the time. You know, because it just erodes the relational trust and deposits. But I'll let you jump into this one. So if they did what I said, I wouldn't have to nag.

sg (20:24.046)
Mm -hmm. Yeah.

sg (20:36.846)
Yeah. So there we go again, justifying that we're doing something because of them, because they didn't do what I said. I'm nagging now. We talked about this on a prior podcast as far as expectations, you know, just kind of getting clarity on certain things and some of those steps to that. And one of the big, big things that we miss in marriage a lot of time are the details.

A lot of times we will say, so in this regard, let's say the dishes again. So let's say that I said, Hey, you know, I'd love it if you could help, you know, with the dishes and I leave it at that. And then Chad, you're like, yeah, babe, I got you. There's so many things that can go wrong because I didn't say what day you could help. I didn't say when I didn't say how often. And so we need the details when we agree on something, both partners, it helps if you both ask, okay,

Chad (21:21.838)
Oh yeah.

sg (21:35.086)
Can you tell me more like what are you thinking? Like when are you thinking? Because before we even say yes to something, we wanna make sure we know the cost. We know everything that's involved. And so sometimes when you find yourself in a frustrating place with your spouse and you feel like you're gonna start nagging and you feel like certain expectations, things you thought were going to happen are not happening, then that could be a sign, hey, we gotta sit down and we need to.

Chad (21:43.682)
Yeah.

sg (22:01.8)
sift through some of these details to make sure we're on the same page.

Chad (22:07.182)
Yeah, just it simplifies, right? If you say, hey, can you help with the dishes? And I ask or I respond with curiosity. Hey, maybe, but I've got a meeting and it's going to take about two hours. Are you okay if I do the dishes after that meeting right now? Like we're clarifying and you might say, yeah, I just want them done before dinner or so and so is coming over in 30 minutes. I'll take care of it, right? It just that timeline and details helps us.

feel like we're on the same page and have clarity so that we can meet those requests in a meaningful way for one another.

sg (22:45.294)
Yeah. And I just want to end with talking about the elephant in the room, I think, because sometimes when it comes to taking personal responsibility and even, you know, asking something of your spouse, because we've talked a lot, be assertive, just say what you mean, mean what you say, involve them in a conversation. Sometimes the answer will be no. You know, like, Hey, I could really use your help. And it's like, no. And you already feel like you're drowning. And I think that's a reality that we have to be prepared for. And so this is when it's both and.

Chad (23:04.078)
Yeah.

sg (23:15.054)
The hope is that, you know, even if we go back to the say what you mean, mean what you say, um, and that example of, oh, he should know, she should know. The hope is that they would know in the sense of they walk in, they're alert. They see that you need help with the baby or the dishes or whatever. That's the hope that they would know, but there's no guarantee. And so that's what I like to see as that's the icing on the cake. You know, it's like that they, that they would know. And so the both, and when it comes to, um, even.

them say no when you when you're asking for that help is to recognize you're not entitled to it. So yes, the hope is that they would help but also recognizing the other side is it's still you taking personal responsibility for what you're asking for and then now the fact that you're not going to get that help right now. The best marriages are helping one another and are looking to serve and be a part which we're going to talk about serving next podcast.

Chad (24:11.342)
Yeah.

sg (24:11.438)
But that's not always the reality in your marriage. And so there's still personal responsibility to be had as far as, okay, now what? I asked, I use my words and it's not gonna work out right now. So now what? How is my heart going to be impacted moving forward? What am I going to do moving forward? You have any thoughts on that, Chen?

Chad (24:30.254)
Yeah. We I just think that like within the details and sometimes when we get the no, we talk about this with kids and parenting more, but the idea of no same day plans. And so if you ask me for help in this exact moment, I might already have a whole ripple effect of things that are in place, right? And so I might say no right now, but if I had better understanding of how I could support you, well now I can.

sg (24:42.51)
Mm -hmm.

sg (24:52.11)
Good. Yeah.

sg (24:58.478)
Mm -hmm.

Chad (25:00.3)
budget that in like I can plan that support appropriately. And so I think it's important that we don't just give up and we don't just make the judgment or assumption that because my spouse couldn't help me in this moment means they don't want to help me. It's like no like as people we all have different roles and responsibilities like if I'm walking out the door to pick our kid up from school. Hey can you do this real quick it's like no I'm picking up the kids right it doesn't mean I don't support you.

sg (25:05.398)
Mm -hmm.

sg (25:15.566)
Yeah.

Chad (25:30.19)
And so I think that's where personal responsibility puts us in a position to stay on the same team and to more consistently solve life's obstacles and challenges. And once we start to blame and accuse and fall into the they, we've lost a lot of potential solutions. Like we're creating more problems without creating solutions. And so I think that's the biggest.

thing that personal responsibility creates. It positions us as teammates to find solutions to life's obstacles. And so that's my, that's my hope. And that's my encouragement from couples as they listen to this podcast, that they would find that sense of encouragement and find that sense of hope that exists inside of personal responsibility.

sg (26:21.56)
All right. Well, I think that was a fantastic ending and I want to do what we always do with appreciation, appreciation time. And again, encourage you listening to start to do this with your spouse, appreciate them daily consistently. So meeting my jingle, appreciation time, appreciation time. Chad David, I appreciate how you are willing to do things with me, you know, like just things that maybe aren't your first.

preference, like we're doing a Bible study together and doing Marco Polo and having to listen to all that I would say on the Marco Polo. I know that that's not your thing typically, but you do it and then you also respond back and it's so much fun for me. And so I just appreciate you kind of taking one for the team.

Chad (27:10.926)
I do like Bible studies, by the way, in case anybody was...

sg (27:12.59)
But the...

Chad (27:16.27)
I'm just going to take personal responsibility and say, I like Bible studies. Thank you, babe. I, um, I appreciate as when we record these podcasts and I see them on my calendar, I really appreciate that you come up with the outlines. And so, you know, you take what it is that we do in working with couples and help put them in here in a way that is organized and thoughtful so that we can share. And I know that at times as a thankless job to do the prep.

for something, so I appreciate you doing that.

sg (27:50.99)
Thank you. All right. Well, it was an honor to hopefully speak encouragement in life into your marriage. And I just want you to know that regardless of where you're at in your marriage, low place, high place, that truly to persevere, keep moving forward one step at a time, because there is always, always hope.