Loving Your Spouse Through Differences In a Polarized World

Politics. Race. Parenting. Culture. What do you do when something shakes you to the core — and your spouse just doesn't feel it the same way? In this episode, Chad and Sarah-Gayle tackle one of the most common sources of tension they see in couples today: navigating a cultural climate that doesn't impact both of you equally. This conversation is honest, practical, and something every couple needs.

The Real Issue

It's not that one of you is right and the other is wrong. It's that you're having genuinely different experiences — and if you rush past that difference, you miss each other. Chad and Sarah-Gayle share the story of an interracial couple they worked with: one spouse was afraid to go to the grocery store, the other thought the fear was irrational. Neither was trying to hurt the other. They just needed tools to actually hear each other.

Two Mindsets to Start With

• We are on the same team — if your spouse is struggling, you don't get to wash your hands of it. Their pain is your concern.
• Communication is about connection — not winning, not accuracy, not being right. The goal is to understand and stay close.

What Actually Helps

• Have the conversation — topics that get swept under the rug don't disappear. They just quietly erode connection over time.
• Validate, don't debate — you don't have to agree or even fully understand. Just lean in and hear their experience without judging it. Try: "What I hear you saying is... is that right?"
• Keep it bite-sized — long conversations lose people. Check in as you go. Make sure you're tracking before moving on.
• Pray together — opening or closing in prayer shifts the posture of the whole conversation from debate to curiosity.
• Celebrate the small wins — if you talked through something hard and stayed connected, that's worth acknowledging.

Take Ownership of Your Consumption

What you consume shapes how you show up at home. If the news, social media, or a particular topic is making you easily agitated, withdrawn, or disconnected — that's worth paying attention to. Ask yourself: is what I'm consuming helping me love my spouse and family well, or is it adding toxicity to our home?

Do Your Own Work First

Before you bring a hard conversation to your spouse, get clear on how you actually feel and what you actually need. Your spouse can't read your mind — and they can't hit a target they can't see. Know what would help, then communicate it.

Memorable Quotes

"We can't sweep differences under the rug. We're minimizing the strength that's in those differences. — Sarah-Gayle"

"Validation doesn't mean agree. It means lean in and hear what their experience is. — Sarah-Gayle"

"If my consumption is leaning toxic, I'm bringing that toxicity into our conversation. — Chad"

"We are called for this. We are equipped for this. We are not alone. — Chad"

Your Next Step

Pick one topic that has been a source of tension between you and your spouse. Sit down together and try this:

• Each share how you actually feel — using I statements, not accusations
• Practice validating: "What I hear you saying is... is that right?"
• Pray together before or after the conversation
• Celebrate the fact that you showed up for each other

Need help navigating hard conversations? Reach out to Hope Relentless — Chad and Sarah work with couples on exactly this.

Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00)
In today's podcast, we're gonna talk about how cultural climate can impact us as individuals and as a marriage. Oftentimes when Sarah Gale and I working with couples, we see this pattern of this topic that comes up over and over. In fact, it's a topic at times that you and I wrestle with. And that is simply, what do you do when a situation impacts you more?

than it impacts your spouse. And we can see this politically, we can see this based on faith, we can see this based on just gender experiences, we can see this based on personality strengths or dreams or fears, but this is such a crucial question for us to feel confident in. How do we navigate when a topic or a situation impacts one of us more than it impacts the other? And that's what we wanna unpack today.

Speaker 2 (00:43)
Yeah, and even as you say that.

it can be a bit triggering because everyone can think, what do you, how is there even a judgment that this, whatever it is, impacts you more than it impacts me? I want to say it impacts me more than it impacts you, you know? I want to tell you about a couple that I saw recently and they are an interracial couple and they were really struggling with the current climate of the United States and different enforcements that are happening. And

one of the spouses was deeply impacted personally and she was very fearful for her life as far as not feeling safe just going to the grocery store and her husband didn't understand the same type of fear and he thought it was a bit irrational and they had a hard time hence that's why they were seeing me they wanted to work on that communication and they wanted to really be able to talk about things that they felt differently about because they love each other right that's not the issue it's not about do we love each other

It's really recognizing that in the midst of our differences We still can be connected but it's one of those things where we can't just bypass them We can't just sweep them under the rug and oftentimes when we do that We're minimizing the strength that are in those differences and we're missing a part of our spouse because we're just rushing past and we're not taking the time So we're gonna talk to you guys about some ways to really stay connected and really hear and lean

in when you might feel differently from your spouse, whether it's culturally speaking, it could be, you know, with parenting, that's a big one. And we're going to kind of generalize some areas here just to give you some bullet points of what can be incredibly helpful.

Speaker 1 (02:17)
maybe for you, as you're listening to this podcast, pick a scenario. Maybe there's a particular topic that has become a source of tension or disconnect between you and your spouse. Think about that and then apply some of the things that we're talking about to that topic and then later you can take what you've learned and apply it to other topics as well. Before we get super detailed, I kind of want to scan out in a 30,000 foot view. One of the things that Sarah Gale and I teach at Hope Relentless is the power of mindsets. Mindsets serve as a filter.

or a approach, right? Before we get into the detailed topic, what is our approach from the beginning? So there's two mindsets that we consistently teach that I want to introduce into this conversation. The first one is we are on the same team. the simple idea that if we are on the same team,

If one of us is struggling or is impacted or is fearful or discouraged or challenged or overwhelmed, then the reality is as the other spouse, we don't get to just wash our hands of that, right? Because we are on the same team. And so that shifts and adjusts the way that we show up. The second mindset is this idea that communication is about connection. So often when working with couples and even in our own conversations, when they get away from us, we get focused on details and

accuracy over connection and so we start debating the definition of a word right and

Do words matter? Obviously. But we don't want to just leverage details and accuracy as justification to erode connection. Because the whole goal in our marriage is to remain on the same team, is to honor and understand each other's perspective. And so as we jump into this conversation, two mindsets we want to hold on to. We are on the same team and then communication is about connection. With that said, have the conversation. Right? We're not able to work through things if we sweep them under the

We're not able to understand each other if we simply ignore topics and hope that they go away.

Speaker 2 (04:14)
Right. one of the ways that we think about this is intellectual connection. There's many ways to connect with each other. But one of the ways that I think we don't notice as much is that intellectual conversation, just sitting down with each other and talking about, you know, the events that are going on in the day to day. But certainly in this regard, talking about just how you are doing, how you are doing really and especially pertaining to the event. So that's why I say the intellectual connection, because

there's a lot of noise when it comes to the cultural climate. we want to be diligent to recognize, how is that actually even impacting us? And then have the conversation from that lens rather than what do we think we should be talking about? And we're talk more about consumption in a moment. So it's having that conversation, having that intellectual connection. And with the conversation, it's very important to validate one another. when we say validate, we don't mean agree,

I don't necessarily mean understand because we're not always going to understand where our spouse is coming from, but we certainly can lean in and almost like lean forward and we can hear what they're saying their experience is. It's not our job to judge or to say, well, why do you have that experience? Right? And that's what we're tempted to do. We're tempted to think, well, if it was me, I would think this or I wouldn't think that. Whereas that doesn't help connection. Communication is about connection and it also doesn't value

the experience that our spouse has that is very different from ours. There's no better perspective in that way. It's more, it's different. And if we can, if we can lean in and recognize that it's not about being better, but it is different, then we can actually grow as a person because we're able to see greater than just from our own lens.

Speaker 1 (05:58)
on a tactical element, right? What does it look like to validate? I think one of the things that helps me and one of the things that helps a lot of the couples that we work with is this idea of the both and. So in a conversation, right? So an intellectual conversation is simply creating space where both people in I statements are able to share what they think, Then both and both people have had a chance to share. And as Sarah Gale was talking about the validation, one of my favorite phrases can be something

like what I hear you saying is and you kind of echo back or you summarize back what your spouse shared but then you end with is that correct and that last little part can seem simple and maybe not significant but it opens up a safe bridge to clarify. Sometimes I've shared something with Sarah Gale and she validates back and I realize you know you actually echoed back what I said but when I hear it I want to adjust or choose a different word.

Or sometimes she validates back and she misses part of it and so my god, it's like 80 % and then I can clarify the 20 % But this is what validation it's just this honoring each other what I hear you saying Is that correct? Right. And so this is a simple framework to create that space where both people have a safe space because the alternative is I immediately respond with you're wrong that's

That's not right. This is what's right. And when we do that, we shut each other down and we create a space where we don't feel safe sharing our thoughts.

and we create unnecessary agreement or disagreement as the only two options when actually we go back to that idea of communications about connection. I can validate because I'm just trying to understand and hear your thoughts on a particular topic before I try and jump to some assumption or response or debate.

Speaker 2 (07:54)
Yeah. So what I hear you saying is ⁓ you feel honored when I validate you. It's an honorable thing to actually hear you as far as what you're saying. And you can correct me sometimes if I get it wrong. But really it helps you as well to hear what you're saying, but know that I'm hearing what you're saying. Yeah. I got it. Okay. So a lot of times I don't get it. And sometimes when we validate, we're going from our own narrative.

Speaker 1 (08:13)
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (08:20)
something to recognize is the longer we're talking when we're having these conversations with our spouse the less likely they're getting everything we're saying Yeah, because even that you know Chad went on for a little bit and I'm like, okay I was thinking I'm gonna validate something like a couple minutes ago and then he kept talking I'm like, my gosh, and then I recognized I wasn't listening to him because I was like I just want to

Validate this piece so that is real life and so try and keep these conversations a bit bite-sized in the sense of checking back in Okay, let me before we go on. Let me make sure am I following you It sounds like you're saying this and then we move on to the next part so that we make sure we're tracking with one another Validation is so powerful because if it's true for you, it's true for you It doesn't matter if it's true in reality

if I'm thinking you know what I just feel that I'm disrespected and let's say I'm highly respected but if I feel this way if this is true for me then it becomes my reality and so as spouses a lot of times we jump in and we're like no you don't you don't feel disrespected I'm like yes I do no you don't well what do I do to disrespect you I don't disrespect you and this is common for all of us

We have a defensive response to our spouse sharing their heart with us. Whereas we want to recognize, you know what, if it's true for them, it's true for them. the greatest thing I can do is be curious and I can lean in and start to learn more, but that comes through that validation piece.

Speaker 1 (09:41)
one of the other things that help on some of these topics or these conversations is pray. open or close the conversation and prayer. we can ask God to soften our heart and open our mind. That right on the front end shifts the conversation from trying to debate and prove each other wrong to trying to learn and trying to understand. And so that prayer, that both and that validation

Couples almost immediately see conversations go differently when they start to implement some of those in the beginning Some of these things feel clunky and awkward, but the more you practice the more natural they feel and so it's okay If it feels goofy the first time you're validating or echoing back, but in time you won't even notice that you're doing it. Yeah

Speaker 2 (10:28)
Yeah. And then I'll add on that celebration. And it might sound odd and out of place, but we're always about celebrating, even the smallest wins. when we're communicating and someone is validating and we are able to have those difficult conversations, we want to stop and recognize like, okay, like we just talked through something that was a bit difficult, but it was important. the celebrating is, something that we want to encourage. And so I want to read a verse here and it says,

Philippians 4 says finally brothers and sisters whatever is true. Whatever is noble. Whatever is right. Whatever is pure. Whatever is lovely. Whatever is admirable. If anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things and in conjunction with that Proverbs 23 7 says as a man or woman thinks so is he or she. So as we're having these conversations if we can find those areas that go well and we can think on those areas then it's going to reproduce more

more more areas that we can see the good in and that we can reproduce and experience that positivity when it comes to these conversations. Because a lot of times when these conversations are difficult, we tend to shy away from them. We think, you know, I don't want to talk about that because last time we talked about it, it created a lot of tension. But part of that is our mentality. We're thinking about the negative aspects of these conversations. Whereas what if you guys can talk about something that is so important to both of you and it ends up

with you guys leaning in a bit more and hearing your spouse's heart a bit more and feeling seen. That's incredible and that's what we have the opportunity to do.

Speaker 1 (12:04)
if having hard conversations is intimidating then I encourage you reach out get help and hope relentless we can help there's other marriage counselors that can help but having important conversations is Crucial in a healthy thriving relationship, especially when you start stacking decades Yeah, right because over decades of experience. We're gonna have some hard seasons. We're gonna have some hard topics I'm actively working with a couple and ⁓

Over the years or over the decades, they've been married a little over 20 years, which is similar for us. And they just, over the years, took topics off the table. And so now they just don't really have any. They're struggling to connect because so many topics are being avoided. And so we want to encourage you. It doesn't have to be that way.

One of the other things I was thinking about on an individual dynamic that plays a part in helping is taking ownership of our individual consumption. There are times where I can become almost like obsessed with a topic or a thing, but I have to manage my individual consumption of that. A couple things can happen. One, I can feel like this is the only thing that matters because it's all I'm consuming. And so now I become...

extreme within the broader concept of maybe all of our responsibilities or in the broader concept of what society is experiencing or thinking about because I'm so micro focused on one particular topic. And so for me, there's times where I'm interested in something I'm learning, I'm studying, I'm reading, I'm watching, I'm seeing the conversation unfold, but I have to constantly check my own heart.

Is my consumption supporting my ability to love my wife well, to love my kids well, to love my neighbors and my community well? Or is it negatively impacting that? Am I getting frustrated? Am I easily agitated? Am I disappointed with different people in my family or different people in my community? Is it causing me to withdraw? And so I think big picture as Christians, as ambassadors of the kingdom, we need to take ownership of our consumption.

Consumption is equipping and encouraging us to preach the gospel and to love people. Well, then let's keep doing it Let's keep increasing that appetite But if our consumption is causing division then we should at least pause We should at least reflect and spend time in prayer and be like, alright God is this a passion that you've put on my heart to speak and bring light and be the salt of the earth or is this something that I'm I'm demonstrating a lot of fruit that is not the fruit of the spirit. Yeah

because that shows up when we go to connect as a husband and a wife. If my consumption is leaning toxic, I'm bringing that toxicity into our conversation and I'm adding intensity where I need to take ownership of that.

Speaker 2 (14:59)
Yeah, for sure. And that kind of brings me to when we're looking at the personal responsibility, which is another mindset that we have, personal responsibility is abiding in our word, abiding in Christ. if we're consuming different things and then at the same time, we are rooted, we're connected to the vine and we are gaining wisdom from the word of God, not just different sources that are out there, but the word of God is our priority. Prayer is our priority. Then that really does

help shape our perspective and what we're seeing and how we're seeing it. It helps heal our heart in the sense of offense and helps us to really focus on what is God showing me? What is God asking me to do rather than jumping on the bandwagon of other people with different agendas? So it's crucial to abide in the Word.

And in addition to focus on self care, it's really taking inventory of what's going on internally. Your spouse can't do that for you. a lot of times we feel on edge, we feel uneasy. There's a lot going on in us. And then we just kind of pour it out onto our spouse. And I have a lot of couples and I will admit I've done this as well, where we don't really even know how we feel. We don't know what we want, but we look at this person because of proximity and then we just start talking and we have no direction.

have no goal. We don't even know what we're wanting from them. But then when we don't get the response that we think we want, even though we weren't clear on what the goal or the reason for our conversation was, we get very upset. We feel like they don't care about us. And then we just get very frustrated and feel disconnected. it's our job to figure out how are we doing really? How are we feeling? And even what would help? What is a target that our spouse could come at us with? You know, if we're feeling isolated, if we're feeling fearful,

in the cultural climate and we're recognizing, yeah, I'm wrestling with this, then we want to make sure that we're doing the work as far as, okay, what is it that would help me to feel better? And then communicate that in an I statement like Chad mentioned. then there is a target as far as, how can our spouse actually help us? And it's not expecting them to just know. They should just, they don't know, they don't know. They don't know exactly how you're doing. So it's first of all, getting clear with how you are doing.

starting to communicate that in a way that they can actually do something about

Speaker 1 (17:20)
the last thing I just want to close with is at times in life, we may feel overwhelmed and that's okay. Right? I know it doesn't feel good in the moment, but you're not the only one feeling it at different times.

We're called for this. We're equipped for this. God's word is filled with promises that he will never leave us nor forsake us. And so sometimes the best thing that we can do is just one day at a time, continuing to fix our eyes and our faith on Jesus as he leads and guides us through different seasons of life, different cultural impacts, different difficult topics with our spouse. But we are called and we are equipped and we are not alone as we navigate.

these different seasons.

Speaker 2 (18:07)
I love it. cheering you on.