How Leading Yourself Grows Your Marriage

Most couples come into marriage coaching hoping their spouse will finally change. Chad and Sarah Gayle have been there. What they keep seeing, over and over, is that the real breakthroughs don't come from a spouse changing first. They come from learning to lead yourself.

In this episode, Chad and Sarah Gayle walk through why individual health is one of the most impactful investments a person can make in their marriage. When someone is running on empty and reacting instead of responding, it touches everything: every conversation, every conflict, every moment with their spouse. This episode is about changing that.

They cover four practical areas:

• Taking an honest self-inventory using a simple 1-10 satisfaction scale (including a story about a highly successful doctor who scored himself a 2)
• Prioritizing time with God, especially in the busiest seasons
• Building rhythms that match actual energy, not just an open calendar slot
• Setting goals that produce small wins instead of overwhelming pressure

John Maxwell's principle that the first person you lead is you takes on a different weight inside a marriage. Chad and Sarah Gayle unpack what it looks like to take personal ownership of your growth and invite your spouse in as a supporter, not a fixer.

Two whole people make the best marriages. This episode is about becoming one of them.

Read the full article and and find the episode resources at https://www.hoperelentless.com/blog

Transcript

Chad (00:00)
Hello, my name is Chad and this is my beautiful wife, Sarah Gayle And today we are talking about one of the biggest impacts on the health of your marriage. And the reality is, it's learning how to lead yourself. so often when we're working with couples, couples think that they're gonna get breakthrough because their spouse is gonna change. And they're coming in to marriage coaching, really hoping that one of us sides with them and kinda can get through.

Sarah-Gayle (00:26)
can intercept their right.

Chad (00:27)
Yes,

and can kind of break through to their spouse and get them to listen to the things that they've been saying and we've been there We know that temptation all too well where we are fully convinced the solution is our spouse changing and growing But the reality is we see over and over the importance and the breakthrough that is on the other side of self Leadership and so that's what we want to talk about today a couple things that equip us as individuals

to grow and be more whole and healthy and how that strength has a ripple effect or a outpouring into our marriages and from there into every other area of our lives.

Sarah-Gayle (01:07)
Yeah, and it's funny when you're talking about how a lot of couples, want that intercessor. I was thinking about so many times in sessions, it's like people will literally say, you know, well, we just want to know who's right. Yeah. And we're with you, Because you just want that satisfaction because you know, like sometimes what we'll joke on is we'll say, well, let's look at the recording. Let's replay the recording of what happened so we can see. And in reality, if one is right,

if you win a moment, then ultimately what we're not doing is we're not growing the marriage. it's thinking about, hey, am I trying to win this moment, win this battle or am I recognizing we're a team we want to do whatever it takes to grow the marriage. And sometimes it means not winning, metaphorically speaking, that particular argument or conversation. what we find is

how we see it personally and how we're growing personally, how we're taking personal responsibility. pours out into the marriage. Two whole people make the best marriages. I'm reminded of author, speaker, leader, John Maxwell. Yeah. And he says that the first person you lead is you. Yeah. And

I've been guilty of this, very often where I'm trying to lead him before I even lead myself. And I think of scripture where it's like, take the plank out of your own eye first, because it makes it very difficult. It's easy to point to someone else and to bypass the work that we can do as we look inward.

Chad (02:32)
Yeah, I think about John Maxwell and I have these moments. I read a ton of Maxwell when I was in college. And a random side tangent is I used to get recruited into like multi-level marketing all of the time because I'd be reading these John Maxwell and anyway, side tangent. He kind of threw me back to my days at UCLA. Yeah, and then I'd be getting recruited into all these MLMs and I'm like, hey, I'm good.

Sarah-Gayle (02:51)
I remember that. We'd always be reading something.

Chad (02:57)
I think for me leading myself, because you brought up that idea of the personal responsibility. Another key mindset that we talk about is communication is about connection. for me, this is still hard when I get into a reactive state. one of the biggest things that personal health and wholeness has helped me and that we see has helped our couples is when I'm healthier.

When I'm operating from a place of strength, then I am able to respond to what Sarah Gayle is sharing as opposed to react. Typically for me, when I react, it gets louder, my tone gets argumentative, I get condescending. ⁓ I am definitively trying to win the conversation and it just puts us down a completely different path. And so this is one of those things why our individual health is so important.

Because if we are reacting to each other, that conversation more often than not is probably gonna be hurtful. It's gonna be frustrating, confusing, disjointed, disconnected. Whereas when we are responding, and I think one of the most powerful things of responding is being able to acknowledge what each other shared, then the temperature and the pace of that conversation is gonna support connection. And so this is where that individual health

is so important because I need to take ownership that I am capable of not reacting regardless of what you do, that I am able to have that ownership and be like, just because she said this doesn't mean I have to react and throw gas on the fire. I am in control of my own emotional state, even in difficult or frustrating conversations.

Sarah-Gayle (04:43)
Yeah. And I think everything you said is so important and there are a couple of steps to get there. You know, to get to a place where we're able to be proactive and able to manage and regulate and all of that before just reacting. It requires thoughtfulness. It requires intentionality. And a lot of times we, I think we bypass the work that we do on ourselves and that self care and leading ourselves because

we do have a lot to do. You you see this with moms, you see this with business owners and ministry leaders who just have a lot to do. We're overseeing a lot and we are just reactive because it's almost like we tell ourselves we don't have time to stop and assess and reflect. And the thing is, if we don't have time to stop, assess, reflect, then oftentimes we're going to just keep doing the same things and we don't have a chance to look at it differently.

there's a lot of different business leaders we listen to. I don't know if this is Jim Rohn or Zig Ziglar one of those guys. And the person said at the end of every day, you should look at your day and how you did. and see if you should fire yourself or if you're to keep yourself. And so you're looking really objectively, okay, this is how my day went. And so that's like that self-reflection. How did the day go? Sometimes I might get asked

How did your day go today? And I'm like, what did I even do today? I don't know. But then if I'm looking at it objectively and thinking, I keep me on staff for the CEO of SarahGail Enterprise, or would I fire me based off the day? I think that's important to give ourselves that time to really assess.

Chad (06:23)
Yeah, that self-awareness and that personal reflection, there's so many journals and ideas out there that is just trying to get us to organize and be aware of our own health at a better level than we currently are. I would encourage if you're listening to this or you're watching this and you have no system in place to check in, one of your favorite questions is like, how are you doing really? Right? And so one of the things that we look at when we're working with ⁓

you know, just leaders in the marketplace, whether that's a faith based, whether that's a for profit arena, oftentimes we can almost sacrifice our individual health at the altar of the organization that we're leading. And I think the challenges in the short term, we can get rewarded for that, By putting more time and more energy into something in the short term, we're going to experience growth.

when we prioritize or invest into something, likely it's gonna grow. But the reason that our individual health is so important is, is that growth sustainable? was listening to something else and it was talking about the biggest risk to a small business is the health of the leader. Because if they run out of passion, if they run out of energy, if they run out of vision, if they have some type of midlife.

Crisis or meltdown that is the biggest risk to any type of organization Yeah, a lot of our work is obviously coming back down to the organization of the marriage organization of the family our individual health Actually is the biggest opportunity but also the biggest risk to our families to our marriages Right. And so this is why this idea of individual health is so important. And so part of our encouragement is prioritize

your individual health. We're hoping that you feel the freedom that investing in yourself is worth it. And as I invest in myself, I show up as a better husband. As Sarah Gayle invests in herself, she shows up as a better wife. And now our marriage benefits from that increased strength.

Sarah-Gayle (08:32)
So

you matter. And so we're going to transition into some ways to lead yourself, to lead yourself well. And one of those is what Chad's talking about, that self inventory. I know with our couples, one of the things we say is, you if you had to choose on a scale of one to 10, what is your self satisfaction? And I sometimes let them score two different ways. I say in the person you are now.

and the person you are becoming? Because I know a lot of us have things in the works where we're endeavoring to make changes. And so I want that to be accounted for as well. And that question's important because you never know what you're going to get. I remember we were working with a doctor that was highly successful and they were working on their marriage. Great couple, know, like most people, right? We're great couples. We just have a hard time in different seasons and that's where we use wisdom and we reach out for help.

and I was so surprised to hear that this doctor, what was he like a two on the satisfaction scale?

Chad (09:28)
Yeah, yeah, it was like it was like a two or a three out of ten. So it like

Sarah-Gayle (09:32)
And he had everything on paper that we would think would create a lot of self-satisfaction, a lot of confidence, but he was a two. And so we encourage, know, hey, let's look at that with urgency because that doesn't just go away. And it's very difficult to enjoy really anything, including our marriage. If personally, our self-satisfaction as far as the person we are, the person we're becoming is at such a low level. I think of this scripture that talks about

God blesses and adds no sorrow to it. And the reason I think about this in this context is when we take self inventory, when we're trying to really pause and lead ourselves, we're being honest and we're getting rid of pride. We're not trying to set an appearance and try and pretend we're not doing that. And if you missed our podcast a couple of weeks ago, bring it to the light. We talk about that there. But what we're doing is it's like we're an open book. Hey, Lord, you know, search my heart, see if there's any offensive way in it.

And when we do that, he shows us. when we're then, putting our hand to the plow, if you will, we're working, we're growing in our marriage or whatnot, we're doing it with authenticity. And so that's when God blesses and there's no sorrow to it. Where when we're hiding things and we're trying to, have an appearance and pretend, then a lot of times, like you said earlier in this podcast, we can be blessed. We'll see some positive things.

But a lot of times there's some sorrow that's added to it because we don't have the clarity. So the sorrow in the fact that we've neglected our marriage perhaps when we keep grinding, but we're neglecting our marriage, we're neglecting our children. And so that's that sorrow.

Chad (11:10)
kind of recap a specific action item for you is reflect on that question Sarah Gayle asked of what is your current personal satisfaction? Kind of a basic level is one to 10. And then you can distinguish the difference between where you are and if you already have some things in place, Because maybe my health currently, I'm a three, but I've been doing stuff.

So it's already moving forward, So that's how you can capture that. But then within that, you can start to ask yourself, well, what would move it up one to two points? Because that'll give you some momentum. Sometimes if we're at a two or a three, to get to a 10 can seem like I'm not, it's just, just give up. Just stop trying, right? Which is the exact opposite of what we wanna create. But when I can think of, what would have caused me to score one or two points higher than I did?

initiate some ideas that you can take action that are reasonable. And here's why this is so powerful, because our next thing is prioritizing time with God. Prioritizing time in prayer, prioritizing time in God's word. But when we have a little bit more clarity of some of these things, then we can trust God, and we can trust the Holy Spirit to guide us. The Bible is life-giving. is living and acting.

if we have a little bit more clarity, then we may be able to read or study parts of God's promises that can directly speak to the area of life where we're trying to grow in. We can not just go based off the gurus, but we can go based off God's word and what he says about that area of our life so that in our prayer, so that in our Bible reading, it is matching up with what God is wanting to do in and through our lives as individuals.

Sarah-Gayle (12:51)
Definitely. And a lot of times when we are busy, when we're high capacity people, one of the first things to go is our time with the Lord. And I've heard it said in many different ways, but like the essence of it is when we are busy, when we are at capacity, we don't have time not to be in the Word, not to be prayerful because we definitely want that wisdom to lead us in such a busy time because we already have talked about when we feel stretched in our marriage, stretched

in our business, a lot of times we become reactive. And I don't believe that reactive is typically God's best.

Chad (13:27)
that third part is building healthy rhythms. for some personalities, this is gonna look different. I would say I traditionally am more structured than you are. Or at least I look to create structure. And the story I tell myself is that I thrive off structure. And the challenge for me is if I feel stressed or overwhelmed and I don't have a clear path,

That's when I find myself coping, Going to social media or TV shows. I'm just kinda like mindless. I don't know what I'm doing, but those are the seasons where my screen time can get out of hand. Whereas for me, if there's more structure where this is when I work out, this is when I read, this is when I, whatever that is, that supports me. big picture, I would say even if you're less structured, having rhythms,

the important things in life. We want to prioritize we want to prioritize our marriage. We want to prioritize quality time together We want to prioritize time in God's Word. We want to prioritize taking care of our physical bodies These are things that we want to build some rhythms on one of the things that I share with couples, but really individuals is When I'm thinking about my own time management

just because there's an empty space on my calendar doesn't mean that if I fill it, I have the energy to execute what I just put on my calendar. And so that's one of the things as you're going through this process of self-reflection and self-awareness and then prioritizing investing in yourself, it doesn't mean that the whole calendar should be full. Because sometimes like, we'll have seasons where it's date night and we're exhausted. It's like, I don't really wanna do anything.

what that is signaling is that there's other areas that we probably need to manage better so that when we get to something that's important like quality time together we have the energy for it right and so within that rhythms it's trying to take notice of Do you have the energy to execute the things? Then you probably have a good rhythm if you don't then I encourage you take that back into some of your prayer time and ask God to give you wisdom and discernment of

Where are you taking on things out of your own strength and outside of what God has for you? And this kind of cadence of this awareness, seeking God, applying awareness, seeking God, applying over time is gonna equip you to prioritize yourself, help you show up as a spouse, and then continue to walk in part of God's good and pleasing and perfect will for your life.

Sarah-Gayle (16:03)
it all goes together. And I think when we don't create those rhythms, it's almost like we can feel in debt to our time and to all the things we want to do. And it's insurmountable because it's like, ⁓ why I wanted to work on my health. I wanted to work on this project, this hobby. I wanted to look into this, to that, but there's no cadence. There's no rhythm into, okay, when can we even put times on the calendar this is where.

we could perhaps talk about goals. I know that's something you either hate them or you love them, I think goals are significant because once you have gone to God in prayer, you have that self inventory of what matters, what you're wanting to grow in, then you can set some goals as far as, this is the timing, this is what it looks like to kind of move forward and set little...

opportunities to win because a lot of times, like Chad said, if we're trying to work on something and we think we need to fix it right away, go from a two, if our satisfaction was a two and go to a 10, and that's really discouraging. But if we can recognize, little moments and put those on the calendar where it's like it, once we hit here, then that's a win. Once we hit there, that's a win. Then that's helpful. also we've all heard when you write these goals down, it keeps some top of mind because in a world that is so

busy, there are so many distractions. I don't know about you, but I know I might say, hey, I'm gonna drink like seven glasses of water today. And by the time it gets to like 11am, I forgot that I was gonna do it. But when I have it written down on a sticky right in front of where I work, then I can see, okay, are you on target, Sarah Gayle? Are you on target? So then I don't have to wait till eight o'clock at night and I recognize, my gosh, I'm four cups short,

And that's what I mean by sometimes we feel in debt, like we have to catch up because we weren't intentional along the way. One thing that I heard a while back was, once you have your goals, once you have what you're willing to focus on, put it on a piece of paper, like write it down and keep it in your purse, in your pocket, in your wallet. when new opportunities come up, yes, go to God. Cause sometimes God just wants us to do things. It doesn't always have to make sense. And this is Holy Spirit saying, Hey,

this is what I want. But a lot of times opportunities come up and we say yes, when if we were to look at our goals, if we were to look at that little piece of paper we wrote down, they don't align. it's reminding ourselves, okay, this is what I'm focusing on. Let me be faithful with this rhythm that I've already taken the time to put in place, You've already done the work on the front end through prayer, through that self inventory, and let's trust the process and know that, we make our plans.

but the Lord directs our steps. So as we're moving, He will direct us to where He wants us to go.

Chad (18:42)
And so on a practical level, because we work with so many couples, codependency can creep into this process. And so I want to come back to the whole focus of today's podcast is you matter and prioritizing and investing in yourself is one of the most impactful, greatest returns on investment that you can have, that your marriage can have, that your family can have, that your business can have. Everything you put your hands to, it's your hands, right? we want you

to be operating from a place where you're in alignment with God's purpose and plan and you're operating from strength. So start with that self-assessment, allow that to kind of guide some action items, and then when it comes to your marriage, don't ask your spouse, well, what do you think I should do? The whole part of self-leadership is identifying. Once you've taken some ownership, please invite your spouse to speak into that, but have that be a supplement

And then share with each other what support could look like. Hey, as I'm looking at some of these things, here's how I could benefit from support. And then you can show up in that way. then you're taking ownership and supporting each other along that journey and kind of experiencing that growth as a couple.

Sarah-Gayle (19:55)
that's good. So you make a great team.

And we want you to continue to grow together as you are growing individually. That is so important. you are fearfully and wonderfully created. God has made you on purpose for purpose. as we really lean in to him and how he's leading us and what he's showing us through his word. And as we take that self inventory, as far as, okay, what's going on? How are we feeling? And then also as we have those healthy rhythms, we put those rhythms in place, we will see

the marriage that I believe God has for us to experience that brings blessing that adds no sorrow to it because we are connected we're rooted we're cheering you on and we're excited for all that's to come and we'll see you next time