Going Through the Motions and Calling It Marriage

Episode Summary

Most couples assume the biggest threat to their marriage is conflict. Autopilot is quieter. And it does just as much damage.

Nobody decides to go through the motions with the person they love. It just happens. The routines solidify, the conversations get predictable, the passion drains out. You're still married. You're just not really there.

In this episode, Chad and Sarah-Gayle introduce a framework called RAD — three steps that move a couple out of autopilot and back toward each other.

R - Reflection. Taking honest personal inventory on where you're just going through the motions. Sarah-Gayle anchors this in Psalm 139:23-24 and Psalm 51:10 — the posture of going before God and asking Him to show you what's really there. When couples skip this pause, walls go up. The issues don't disappear. They go underground.

A - Attention. What you do with what reflection surfaces. The Gottman Institute found the average couple waits six to seven years before reaching out for help. Six to seven years of distance compounding. Attention means not waiting. It means taking one step toward each other now, before the walls get higher.

D - Discovery. The ongoing choice to stay curious about your spouse — who they're becoming, what God has for you together. Isaiah 43:19: See, I am doing a new thing. The person you married is not exactly the person sitting across from you now. Discovery keeps asking the questions. It makes room for both people to keep growing.

Start with yourself. Where are you on autopilot? Once you know, bring your spouse in. God's design for your marriage is adventurous and alive. There are things you haven't discovered yet.

Episode Themes

• Autopilot as a silent threat in Christian marriage
• Awareness as the first step toward change
• The RAD framework: Reflection, Attention, Discovery
• Personal responsibility before God and in marriage
• Emotional hardening and how it builds over time
• The danger of waiting too long to address problems
• God's design for newness, adventure, and ongoing growth
• Psalm 139:23-24 / Psalm 51:10 / Isaiah 43:19
• Couples with different personality types (structured vs. spontaneous)

Reflection Questions

Start with these on your own. Then bring them to a conversation with your spouse.

For Personal Reflection:

1. Which parts of your marriage feel most like going through the motions right now? What would "alive" look like in those areas?
2. When did you last ask God to search your heart the way Psalm 139 describes? What might He surface if you did?
3. Is there something you've been avoiding bringing up, something that's been quietly building, because it feels easier to leave alone? What has that waiting cost you?
4. On a scale of 1-10, how curious are you about your spouse right now? Not their schedule or their mood. Who they're becoming, what they're thinking about, what they're hoping for.

For Conversation with Your Spouse:

1. What's one area where you've settled into autopilot together? Not to assign blame, just to name it.
2. Is there something you've wanted to experience or explore as a couple that you haven't made room for? What's been in the way?
3. What would it look like for each of you to take one step toward each other this week? Not a big overhaul. One small, intentional move.
4. If you could describe what adventure looks like in your marriage one year from today, what would you want it to look like?

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Transcript

Chad (00:00)
Hello and welcome to today's podcast. name is Chad. This is my beautiful wife, Sarah Gayle. And today we're talking about something important. And I want to ask you a question. What if the biggest challenge in your marriage isn't conflict, but is autopilot?

Sarah-Gayle (00:15)
Yeah, so autopilot is something that we kind of can fall into and not be aware of it. The big thing we're going to be talking about is awareness. And I don't believe autopilot is something that is malicious. It can steal the joy though. It can create these interactions that feel monotonous and the passion isn't there and the excitement, the adventure isn't there. We want to make sure that we talk about that so you can have an idea of how to stay away from it.

but then also sometimes how we'd fall into it. So we're excited to talk about that.

Chad (00:50)
And so depending on the personalities in your marriage, ⁓ for Sarah Gayle and I and many of the marriages that we work with, we have fundamentally different personalities. I personally feel like I thrive off routine. And so this idea of autopilot is harder for me because ⁓ Sarah Gayle's a little bit more creative, a little bit more spontaneous, a little bit more flexible, right? I like structure.

I like to know what we're doing, how long are we gonna be there, before we get there, what time are we thinking about leaving? And so autopilot for me can be something that I wrestle with. So we wanna kinda look at how do we create practical dynamics of first recognizing what is autopilot and why is it dangerous for our marriage? But then how do we create rhythms that allow maybe a more spontaneous person as well as a more structured or rigid person to still create some rhythms but not fall into

this idea of the autopilot.

Sarah-Gayle (01:47)
Yeah, and a lot of times we want this exciting marriage, know, this exciting relationship, but then we do the safe, easy, predictable things. And even as followers of Christ, we're called to more. We're called to the unknown. We're called to adventure and really ask that we would be obedient to whatever it is that God has for us. And that's not always predictable. So this is why we're excited to get into this so we can experience really

hopefully God's designed his best when it comes to this area of staying away from autopilot, but actually having that creative, that exciting adventure life that he's called us to have. So we want to introduce an acronym and bear with us because it's a bit cheesy, but it's okay because you're going to remember this acronym and the acronym is RAD. And so we're going to go over each letter and each letter is going to help us to prevent autopilot.

Chad (02:44)
And so that's right, we want you to live a rad lifestyle. We know that's cheesy, our sons are cringing, ⁓ all of that stuff is happening. But the goal here isn't just to entertain, it's to equip. And so our prayer and our hope is that this will stick with you. And so the R is simply this idea of reflection. Within the rhythms of our life, we need to have moments where we stop and we reflect. One of Sarah Gayle's favorite questions is, how's your heart or how are you doing really?

And this is something that can be a really powerful rhythm as a couple, like how are we doing? And also as an individual, how am I doing? Where are the areas that I have fallen into autopilot? And to maybe define autopilot with maybe a slightly negative connotation for the context of today's conversation, it's when we're just going through the motion and we aren't fully present. I know for me at times I can be sitting at the table eating and I can grab my phone.

Right, so you're talking and I'm looking at my phone. That could be an example of kind of autopilot. There can be expectations around rigid routines where we don't create opportunities for connection. A practical example for me, I like to wake up at a consistent time in the morning. And so that also means for my personality, I like to go to bed at a consistent time the evening before. And so some of this structure can limit opportunities for connection or communication. And so

We have to figure out and constantly navigate what does that look like? But autopilot is this dynamic where we're not thoughtful, we're not present. And so this first part of RAD is reflection. It is to take inventory individually and as a couple, where are we just going through the motions and where do we need to create some adjustments or some tweaks? Sometimes those tweaks are small and sometimes those tweaks might be bigger, but it starts with reflection.

Sarah-Gayle (04:37)
Yeah, and we talk about this a lot if you've been on the journey with us, self-reflection, self-inventory, all of that, because we realize how significant that is in the life of our marriage. There's so much that we can grow in, that we can learn, that we can change as we focus in on what we can do. What is it that we can do to experience the marriage that we're hoping for? Because a lot of times we do look to our partner, but this reflection is taking that personal responsibility and figuring out,

How is my heart? And I think of the scripture, there's a couple of scriptures I want to read. The first one is Psalm 139, 23 through 24. And it says, search me God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. And then in Psalm 51, 10 through 19, it says, create in me a clean heart of God and renew a right spirit within me. These

Types of vulnerabilities when it comes to our relationship with the Lord are crucial because when we go to Him with open arms and we're like, God, show me myself, then it helps us not to have a hard heart when it comes to our spouse because a lot of times when we're just continuing to go through life and we're not pausing to self-reflect, we're not asking God. And we talked a little bit about this in the previous podcast when it's talking about leading yourself. When we're not doing that, then

we can start to harden our hearts because there's something that is not addressed that we don't take the time to address. We try and just push through it. And that creates autopilot where we've hardened our hearts and we're just like, okay, well, this is how it's gonna be. But we haven't taken the time and done the work to really work on ourselves.

Chad (06:19)
Yeah, and so that element of reflection is so crucial because it creates awareness. It's really hard for us individually and as a marriage to create any meaningful action plan that moves us towards God and towards each other if we're not even aware of where we are. And so that's the importance of this reflection. I would say at times, one of the biggest areas of work that we try and accomplish when working with couples is that element of personal responsibility. How am I

contributing to whatever this tension or gap that my wife and I are experiencing, right? Is it that I'm, what I'm introducing, is it how I'm reacting? And so this is what this reflection prepares us for. It allows us to get out of just the routine and into intentionally coming back together. And what I love about these verses that Sarah Gill read is we get the strength and the wisdom and the clarity by first going before God.

Because then there's times where it's like, yeah, you know what? In this reflection and this seeking, I realized my heart wasn't pure. And so now I have something that I can do that actually brings us back together.

Sarah-Gayle (07:31)
Yeah, so that's the R in the acronym RAD for how to prevent that autopilot. And the next letter is the A and that stands for attention. And so we want to give our attention to those things that we sense are off in the relationship. And we know it when we're in relationship, we know there are seasons where it's like, just, I don't feel connected. There's just something that's off. And a lot of times what we're proposing here is we're on autopilot. And so when we give...

when we give our attention to whatever it is that is off, then we can start to really change it. We can start to put things in place and experience something different.

Chad (08:09)
And I think this is where we see so many of the couples that we work with experience breakthrough. Is there's a reflection, right? They've reached out for marriage counseling or marriage coaching. So they're getting this third party perspective. It's almost like this fresh perspective to see like, what, where are these routines or this autopilot happening? But then they're able to put together a plan. And I think one of the biggest challenges, and maybe you know where this originally comes from, but it's something that we share, something that I've heard over and over.

But the average couple will wait six to seven years. Is it Gottman? So the Gottman Institute talks about the average couple will wait six to seven years before reaching out. And so when we're talking about rad, reflection, and then attention, attention is actually addressing or actually taking steps towards each other. And one of the things that I love to share with couples is when you're thinking of this attention or taking steps towards each other, yeah, we wanna maybe recognize what the finish line is.

But I don't know. I don't know if there's any such thing as a finish line in marriage, right? It's often a journey where we're coming towards each other, we're making progress, maybe something happens and we feel a little bit further apart again. And so it's this idea of baby steps. But when we operate with attention, then we can actually create a plan that moves us towards each other, whether that's a date night, whether that's bringing up a particular topic or situation, but we can actually address it.

Because a lot of what we do is six or seven years down the road, now they have seven years of habits and patterns and autopilot that we are trying to disrupt. ⁓ And so this is kind of this tension that we face in our marriage when we get stuck in autopilot for extended periods of time.

Sarah-Gayle (09:53)
Yeah, and it's kind of like a mindless existence. sometimes we are naive to what we're doing, to our interactions. But if someone was looking in, and even I'm sure when we're hanging out with our families, our kids, they see this dynamic that for us is autopilot because we haven't done the reflection and because we haven't given it that attention. I was working with one couple and they had been married for like over 20 years.

And it was sad because they caught themselves in this cycle of autopilot that was completely negative. And it was so negative that they couldn't even bring anything up. Neither of them felt comfortable just expressing what their desires were, what they would like to see happen, because it was met with some kind of defense mechanism, a shutdown or something. And part of this is they didn't address, they didn't put attention towards

the issues early on. And so year after year, decade after decade, they evolved is what it is. They evolved to exist in a way that was pretty much perpetuating what they did not address. This is why this attention is so important because it's not going to go away. Something I say to couples is, know, time heals all wounds. Is that true or false? False. Yeah.

Sometimes, yeah, the time makes it a little bit better. Now you can bring it up, like if there's a timeout, like what we've also talked about. But for the most part, if you don't do anything different during a time that has passed, you're going to experience the same result and even worse because by then it's exasperated because we haven't addressed it. That's where the resentment and all of that comes into play. So that attention to really address the situation is crucial.

Chad (11:41)
Well, because I think one of the challenges when we don't give it attention, then one of the things that you talk about is like this emotional hardening. Yeah. It's like these walls go up. Yeah. And I kind of picture, you know, we live in this area where there's all these HOAs and HOAs have all these walls around them. But I picture, you know, the bigger that wall gets, the harder it is to bring it down or the harder it is for a couple to get over it. And so.

Once again, if we find ourselves emotionally hardened or defensive or just completely ignoring topics, it means we kind of need to start back at the top of the reflection and then start taking some baby steps with the attention. And then the D in the rad lifestyle is discovery. And so it's this ongoing desire to be curious. I'm just throwing out quotes and hoping that you know where they came from so we can give credit, but maybe we won't on this one. You're one for one so far, so good job. ⁓

Somewhere I heard it, it was like, if you're married long enough, you might experience five marriages to the same person.

Sarah-Gayle (12:41)
You use this, I think this might be yours. You used this in the last one.

Chad (12:44)
Also, did I? And so it just sticks with me because, know, Sarah Gail and I started dating. I was in my late teens. She was in her early twenties. We got engaged in early twenties, married in her twenties, kids, thirties, forties. obviously we're different people. And so this element or this idea of discovery is what keeps a level of curiosity.

Sarah-Gayle (13:05)
Yeah, for me the discovery aspect is the most exciting because this is where we get to live out what we imagined marriage would be full of adventure, full of excitement. It's what we crave because I believe God has put it in our heart because he's a God of excitement and adventure. And so as spouses, when we prioritize discovering more about our spouse and who they are, what their interests are, if they're changing, all of that,

then that is significant, but then also discovering more about who we are as a couple, as far as the purpose that God has for us with our marriage, that's also exciting. And when we're thinking about autopilot, autopilot rages against newness. And when we're discovering and we're committed to not settling in our comfort zone and not settling with what's easy, right? You always say, as people, a lot of times we prefer ease.

over what's the example that you give with the boys?

Chad (14:07)
I just, think of what the boys, the default will be to move towards ease or comfort. Yeah. But neither one of those produces growth.

Sarah-Gayle (14:15)
Yes, and so in our marriages that can be the default because like we started off saying that can feel safe, that can feel predictable, but a lot of times the couples that we meet with at least they're drowning, they're drowning in boredom, they're drowning in predictability and they want more because we're made for more.

Chad (14:34)
Yeah, and I think, you know, this has taken a little bit out of context, but we can get an idea of the principle that we see here in Isaiah 43, 19, where it says, see, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up. Do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams and the wasteland. And so I think there's this dynamic that even we know scripture talks about being living and active. And so if God is a living God and he is active, right? And if scripture paints itself as a

as a light or a lamp unto our feet, then it's not that big of a stretch to recognize God is constantly wanting to do new things in and through us. And if he's wanting to do new things in and through us, then it's reasonable that within our marriage, our marriage is also gonna thrive with this ongoing dynamic of discovery, where we're not just falling into the routines and ignoring.

the experiences and the dreams and the desires that each one of us has and that is evolving, but that we're taking that into consideration and creating space for that. And so what I love about this rad lifestyle is when we take time to reflect, it actually equips us to know what do we need to give attention to? Very simple thing, when you go to the grocery store, oftentimes you create a list of like, what are we gonna eat? And then you go into the pantry.

and into the fridge and take inventory. Well, what do we have and what do we not have? Because that helps shape what do you need to get or what do you not need to get. So that's what we're trying to accomplish in our marriage. We're reflecting, where are we? That helps us with that game plan of attention. What do we need to give attention to? And I feel like when we've done those two things, discovery starts to become a more natural byproduct. Whereas if we skip the first two, discovery may be hard.

Because then it just feels random and out of place. I just want to do something new. it's like, well, I don't know if I want to do, I like our, you know, we have a favorite spot up the street. It's a pizza and wine bar, right? Like I could go there, they play live music. I could go there. I feel like indefinite, broken, right? But it also isn't discovery. And so we're not saying that you can't enjoy your routines and your structure. We're simply saying there's an element of discovery that also creates

newness and uniqueness and freshness. And the reality is, if I were to ask you similar questions today that I asked when we were dating or newlyweds, it's reasonable that some of those are gonna have different answers.

Sarah-Gayle (17:04)
So it just requires some intentionality. You know, when it comes to that acronym RAD, it's that awareness that we can fall into autopilot. And sometimes when you're not feeling connected, something's off, it might be because you're just going through the motions. And so we want to shake that up. And we do that in the way of RAD, which Chad just went over. And so a couple of things for you to consider first, starting with yourself is where do you feel like you are in autopilot when it comes to your relationship?

And you're going to have to think about it because a lot of times we just are go, go, go. And we have no idea. And so this is why we're having this podcast because we have no idea. So I want you to stop and really think and assess do some inventory as to, okay, where am I on autopilot? And then once you do that, what's something you can do that would help? Yeah. What's something you could put in place? What's something that you can, you know, start to

tell yourself because sometimes it's not always about your spouse and what they need to do. It's what you as a couple need to do, but sometimes it's just like, do you need to do mentally as far as your thought life, all of that. So it's considering ⁓ what is your next step. And then if necessary, if relevant, communicate that to your spouse so that you guys are on the same page. If it requires both of you to do something, that's going to be an important step.

Chad (18:31)
And so inside our show notes, we'll have a resource that you can use that can support you on this RAB process and then some of those different conversations. But we're excited to see you get out of autopilot and really begin experiencing everything that God has for you as an individual and everything that God has for you and for your marriage.

Sarah-Gayle (18:52)
Yes. Cheering you on.