Curiosity Killed the Cat, But It'll Save Your Marriage

Episode Summary Most couples assume they know their spouse. That assumption is one of the quietest threats in a long marriage.

In this episode, Chad and Sarah-Gayle unpack what genuine curiosity looks like in marriage — and why getting it wrong makes your partner feel interrogated instead of known.

https://www.hoperelentless.com/how-curiosity-saves-your-marriage

Curiosity and Connection. Familiarity quietly replaces curiosity. When we assume we know what our spouse thinks or feels, we stop asking. And when we stop asking, we stop connecting. "Tell me more" and "can you help me understand?" signal you're still interested and keep the friendship alive underneath the partnership of daily life.

Curiosity and Communication. Curiosity reduces defensiveness. When we feel challenged, the instinct is to explain, defend, or shut down. Replacing that with a genuine question keeps the conversation safer. The more confused or reactive you feel, Sarah-Gayle says, the stronger the signal to get curious rather than combative.

What Curiosity Isn't. Rapid-fire questions, skipping what was just said, or the wrong tone — it stops feeling like interest and starts feeling like interrogation. "Why did you do that?" without acknowledgment first puts your spouse on trial. The goal is never to corner. It's to connect.

The Keys to Curiosity That Works. Four things move curiosity from interrogation to invitation: Validation — acknowledge what your spouse said before asking anything. A gentle tone — the same question lands differently depending on delivery. A check-in — "can I ask you something?" signals respect. And reassurance — you're asking because you're committed, not to win.

Personal Responsibility. When things get tense, the instinct is to point at the other person. Chad and Sarah-Gayle push couples to ask instead: what can I take ownership of that helps my spouse feel safer? Both people close the gap when both take a step.

Schedule time this week. Use the open-ended questions in the show notes and practice. Curiosity is a skill — and the more you use it, the more your marriage stays alive to what's still being discovered.

Episode Themes

• Familiarity as a silent threat to connection
• Curiosity as a communication and intimacy tool
• What makes curiosity feel safe vs. interrogative
• The power of validation
• Tone as a game-changer in conversation
• Personal responsibility in creating emotional safety
• Checking in as respect, not walking on eggshells
• Reassurance as a relational multiplier

Reflection Questions Start with these on your own. Then bring them to a conversation with your spouse.

For Personal Reflection:

1. When did you last ask your spouse a question you didn't think you knew the answer to? What does that tell you?
2. Is there an area where you've been assuming instead of asking — filling in the blanks rather than letting your spouse speak?
3. Think about the last time a conversation went sideways. What would curiosity have changed?
4. On a scale of 1–10, how emotionally safe does your spouse feel sharing with you? What's one thing you could change?

For Conversation with Your Spouse:

1. Is there something you've wanted to share but haven't — because you weren't sure how I'd respond? I want to hear it.
2. What's one area where you feel like I've been assuming instead of asking? Help me understand what's true.
3. What would it look like to have a conversation where we both stayed curious the whole way through?
4. What's one question you wish I asked you more often?

Transcript

Sarah-Gayle (00:00)
Curiosity killed the cat, but saved the marriage. That's what we're going to be talking about today. My name is Sarah Gale and joining me is my incredibly good looking, ravishing flesh of masculine meat, Chad. Chad, so we are happy that you are joining us and...

Chad (00:20)
I feel like I've been totally objectified and kind of liked it. I don't know what that means.

Sarah-Gayle (00:26)
Yeah, I stole it from Chris Kane. Remember that when she had called her husband that she introduced him that way and I'm like, that's what I'm talking about. So there you go. And we are going to be talking about how curiosity may have killed the cat, but it will save the marriage. And throughout this month really, we have been talking about through our podcast, but then also our social media. If you're not following us on Instagram and Facebook, please do because we have been talking about awakening kind of in light of Easter.

And we talked about awakening our sex life to God's plan, his design for sex. We've talked about awakening from autopilot. And so you'll want to check that one out as well. And then today we are talking about awakening to curiosity when it comes to our marriages.

Chad (01:12)
think one of the challenges that we see when working with couples is familiarity. And I think even for you and I, we've been married 20 plus years, coming up on 21, and it's easy to fall into routines where we kind of just assume that we know what our spouse likes or what they don't like or what they meant or what they didn't mean. And one of the biggest challenges or dangers that we can have is just fall into those routines and no longer be curious.

about the growth and the dreams or the fears, the excitement, the doubts that our spouse is wrestling with. And so today we want to talk about that because there's a good way to be curious and we also see at times a part of curiosity that can be damaging. And so we want to talk about it, but make it clear what opens and creates safety for both of you.

Sarah-Gayle (02:02)
I'm excited to talk about this because throughout our sessions with couples, this comes up because curiosity is a good thing. But like Chad said, it can be seen as negative. And so we're going to talk through that. But when we're speaking about curiosity, it's phrases like, hey, can you help me understand? Is there more? I would love to know more. Things like that are really helpful to let your spouse know that your aim is connection. And so we're going to talk about how curiosity

does help with communication and also helps with connection.

Chad (02:35)
So that first dynamic, how does curiosity support connection? And so if a key part of communication is just connecting with your spouse, well, it keeps the conversation going. Oftentimes, we can share kind of surface level, just the details. We can almost get to the place of how was your day? Good, fine, right? Really surface, really short. And so curiosity opens up and allows

your spouse to feel safe on the other side of an open-ended question. So something like, tell me more about that. Or when that happened, what were you thinking or feeling? It creates an open space for them to go another layer. And oftentimes, that may actually be a powerful invitation to your spouse to reflect deeper themselves. Sometimes, like I'm just on autopilot and you ask me a question and I'm like, huh, I gotta think about that.

Sarah-Gayle (03:30)
when we're thinking about curiosity and connection, it also tells us that we don't know everything about our spouse. We don't know everything there is to know because when we think that we know everything, that's when we really start assuming and jumping to conclusions. And that is the opposite of connection.

Chad (03:48)
And so it's kind of two parts that a relationship benefits from curiosity. One, it draws your spouse out to share more. Two, it signals that you're even interested. And so if Sarah Gill's asking follow-up questions, I get to talk about, selfishly, one of my favorite subjects, and that's myself. And the reality is, as people, one of our favorite subjects is ourself. And so when somebody genuinely seems interested, we will begin to share and to talk.

And what better person to exchange ideas and thoughts and dreams with than your spouse? It really strengthens from the foundation that relationship, that bond between the two of you, that friendship. So many of the couples that we counsel, you ask part of their story of how did you meet and what drew you to each other? And yes, a lot of times there was some level of physical attraction, but within there, there was often a friendship.

there was a sense of enjoying time together and that faded away, that drifted. And some of that curiosity can begin drawing and bringing that.

Sarah-Gayle (04:54)
And when you think of being married, having kids, your careers over time, you're doing life, you're making a great team, right? You're great partners, but you go weeks and months without really knowing how your spouse is doing. And we see that oftentimes with our couples we're not taking the time to be curious. I want to shift a little bit and talk about how curiosity also

is helpful when it comes to communicating.

Chad (05:21)
one of the ways that curiosity supports communication is it reduces defensiveness. I know for me in different podcasts, even when we think about the Gottman Institute and the Four Horsemen, for me, one of my unhealthy patterns can be defensiveness. so Saragale might share something and my reaction is to explain or to defend myself, right? Or to excuse my behavior. Well, when I replace that with curiosity,

It's not about me. It stays about Sarah Gale and I can ask a question that allows her to continue to share more. And so this is one of those pivot points in our communication that can either keep us on that path of connection or can pivot us into a space where we're now working against each other. And so this is a practical example of how curiosity can keep that conversation in a safer space together.

Sarah-Gayle (06:14)
Yeah, when having conversations with each other, if you feel like, I have no idea.

what this person's talking about, where they're coming from, how dare they say whatever they might have said, then that should really be a sign that you wanna be curious. The more confused you are, that's the sign to be curious because one of the worst things we can do is like Chad said, be defensive or dismiss it because we're not understanding, we're not being present in the conversation. So that curiosity is incredibly helpful because when we are in conversation,

You already know what you think, what you're sharing, all of those things. You already know about yourself. But what you don't know and where the goal is, and what the goal is, is what is your spouse thinking? Where are they coming from? So that then we can start to feel more connected. So as you see, communication, connection, we always say they go together. This is why we specialize in.

communication and connection because it's very difficult to have one without the other. And I want to give this example I give many of my couples. So bear with me. It's a bit silly. I tell them, hey, you know what? There's a dinosaur in my office and they do different things. Sometimes they're really confused. What are you talking about, Sarah Gale? Sometimes they're like, is this a test? exactly. It is a test. And I go through and I tell them, you know, if we are practicing what I have

taught you, then you're going to be curious because you're like, Sarah, what are you talking about? There's a dinosaur in your office. And so you're going to want to validate and say, it sounds like you're saying there's a dinosaur in your office. Is that right, Sarah Gail? And then if you do that, it opens me up to potentially share more with you. And I'm like, wow, they care about what I am saying. But a lot of times what happens is I'll say something you listening will say something. And the next response is that's not true. Dinosaurs are extinct.

I don't know what you're talking about. That's not right. And that's that defensiveness, Whereas that shuts me down. If my clients say that, okay, there's nothing else to say. But then as they continue to be curious and they say things like what we talked about earlier, can you help us understand? Is the dinosaur always there? Then I start to tell them, yes, it's always there because it's a stuffed animal on my couch.

And then they realize, wow, there really was a dinosaur in her office. And if they would have shut me down in the beginning, they would have never learned that I was actually saying something that was true. And unfortunately, this is what we do in our relationships. We shut our spouse down in the beginning because we're not curious. We're more confused or appalled by what they say and we jump on it, but we don't track with them and get to hear that what they're saying actually

does matter, actually does make sense. And I want to shift a little bit because in many examples when it comes to curiosity, sometimes it can feel like an interrogation when the goal is truly curiosity. And I had another couple where I was encouraging curiosity and the wife was like, no, no, no, I don't want my husband to be curious because when he's curious, I feel like

I have to explain and prove that what I'm saying is actually true. he jumps on to the next question, to the next question, to the next question. And I don't even have time to think. And then I start to get stuck and I'm just like, what do I say? What do I say? And I feel attacked.

Chad (09:29)
so we want to talk a little bit about what curiosity isn't. And some of the things that are more likely to cause it to feel like an interrogation and what are the things that are more likely to cause it to feel open and safe. Feeling emotionally safe to share without judgment is the goal here. And curiosity can support that. And so one of the things to be aware of is the question why. When the first thing that we say back to our spouse is why.

why do you think that or why did you do that? What we see in the example Sarah Gale just highlighted with the dinosaur, if there's validation before whatever the next question is, that person typically feels hurt and their defenses are more likely to be down. But if the first reaction is that, well, why did you do that? Then it's like, And so that simple element of validating or acknowledging what your spouse said before,

any type of open-ended question can be a powerful bridge that helps that space still feel safe.

Sarah-Gayle (10:33)
Yeah, and that's important because when we don't validate, oftentimes we can misunderstand what they even said. Like with the dinosaur example, if then my clients were like, so you're saying you think that we have a dinosaur in our office also? Like if that's internally what they thought they heard me say, but they didn't take the time to validate.

Now, when they're even asking a question like why, they're like, well, why do we need to have a dinosaur in our office? So it gets very convoluted and confusing, but really they weren't understanding me in the first place. So that's the power of that validation. And we've talked about that in different podcast episodes as well, because it is so significant. A lot of times we just misunderstand what each other's saying and validation does not mean agreement. It does not even mean you understand in that moment. just is...

Hey, am I hearing what you are saying correctly?

Chad (11:24)
this might be a small tangent, but one of the things that we teach couples is personal responsibility and the power of I statements, of taking ownership of our thoughts. But the reality is, if I share an I statement and Sarah Gale's response is an I statement, and my response to her response is an I statement, if there's no validation or acknowledgement in there, then neither one of us has an opportunity to feel heard. And her I statement feels

potentially almost combative or in contrast or comparison or competing against mine. And so the secret recipe there is that validation part. The next thing is personal responsibility. If Sarah Gale and I are in a conversation and I'm trying to be curious and maybe she responds defensively, my job isn't to point that out. It's to think, do I, what can I take ownership of that helps my wife feel

safer. Yeah. Right. so and then what would be your responsibility in that situation?

Sarah-Gayle (12:26)
Yeah, to not jump to conclusions and just assume that he is attacking me and interrogating me. You know, that's something that is an inside game as far as I need to come to the conversation in a way where I'm not assuming that he is coming at me negatively.

Chad (12:44)
Yeah. And so within that, I always pictured this gap that can exist between couples. And the fastest way to close that gap is when both of us take this personal responsibility of how to close it. And so think about in this situation, if Sarah Galen are talking about something, if I am taking ownership of how am I creating a space where she feels safe? So maybe the first thing, she's a little defensive and I could blame her. Well, you're being defensive or

I can take ownership of what I can control and think, how do I make this a safer space for her? I take a step towards her. Simultaneously, she takes a step towards me by her taking ownership of not being defensive or making assumptions. And so this is how, as a team, we move towards each other in a meaningful way. And validation is one of the ways that does that. And the second thing is a check-in. And so we want to ask, hey,

Can I ask a question? We want to check in with each other first. And so these things together, they're simple, but they fundamentally change the trajectory of our conversations and play a role in that curiosity, actually promoting communication and connection and moving further and further away from feeling like an interrogation. There's another one that you talk about and I kind of sent you that Instagram post around it. Why don't you share about that?

Sarah-Gayle (14:08)
I

will in a moment because I'm excited to share about that one. But talking about the check-in, that's so important and it's not something that we do because we're walking on eggshells That's not what it's about. It's courtesy.

It is recognizing that someone else is talking and I don't want to just jump in with whatever it is I have. I want to check and hey, is this a good time for me to ask a question

it's important to know who has the attention, like who brought up the topic because when we're all over the place then we don't know who's validating, who is asking questions as far as curiosity goes and it can be very confusing.

Chad (14:46)
So you want to jump into that other one? Because this is probably, I recognize it and I'm the one that violates this more often, but I know for you it probably plays a bigger part.

Sarah-Gayle (14:54)
Okay, yes.

And it's just so nice when we can both recognize the areas where we can both grow in. I think the other day I said, I'm trying to micromanage you too much. I'm just going to let you go. And you didn't say anything at the time, but I imagine that's refreshing. And so this is refreshing for me because the next one is tone. When our tone of voice is calm,

it changes the entire conversation And when it comes to curiosity, it makes a big difference. Because if I were to be curious about,

what are you gonna do after work versus, so what are you gonna do after work? It's everything. And he sent me a text the other day that was saying something like,

if my tone of voice was different, I could ask you anything and it would be okay or something like that. And I'm like, exactly, you're getting it. I don't even know what you're saying, but I love how you're saying it. And I love the time.

Chad (15:46)
the purpose here is tone matters. When coaching couples, oftentimes the wife uses this word or something that lands in a similar capacity to gentle. She wishes the conversations were more gentle. And that falls in line with tone. And so when we're being curious, tone matters. Because once again, it can be a fine line between

creating a safe space and feeling interrogated. Right, you go out and you're getting to know somebody great open-ended questions promote connection. And I always think about thankfully I've never been interrogated in jail or prison, but I watch a lot of shows where it happens, right? They're just asking questions, asking questions, trying to corner somebody. And one of those key things is tone.

Sarah-Gayle (16:34)
Yeah. Okay. And so the last thing I want to talk about is reassurance, how that helps. When we are reassuring our spouse that, I'm committed to you, I'm committed to this conversation, then it does soften the conversation on a whole and it can promote more curiosity because we're not just asking questions to ask questions, we're reassuring them as far as the why behind our questions. We really just want to...

learn more and we're committed to this process. We're committed to our partner.

Chad (17:05)
Reassurance I think of as like if you were in sales and if there's one thing that you did that increased your commission on every single sale That's what reassurance that's good in every conversation reassurance brings like a bonus. It could be in repair reassurance It could be in conflict reassurance. It can be in curiosity Reassurance

reassurance is just the ability to Recognize and reassure the relationship or the topic or the conversation and it's such a powerful part Basically saying I see you. Yeah, and we matter

we matter more than a topic or we matter more than that we experience this different.

Sarah-Gayle (17:47)
to close this out, what needs to be in place for curiosity to go well. would be the margin, the time to even have a deeper conversation because as you've seen with curiosity, ⁓ are asking more questions. We are wanting to learn more and it's an amazing feeling when you're having a conversation with someone and there's this sense that they have nowhere else they have to be.

that they're there for you. You don't have to rush your words because they're not going to jump in and cut you off and they don't have to leave and go somewhere. They're there truly just to have that conversation and that requires that time, that margin.

Chad (18:23)
And so we're gonna provide some open-ended questions in the show notes. And so an action item is take those and schedule some time and then practice some of the things that we talked about. Maybe even print out the show notes so you can see the different things that support being curious and that space remaining safe. But a lot of this is a skill and the more that we practice, the more that we get to experience the fruit and the rewards of curiosity,

and how it improves our communication and our connection.

Sarah-Gayle (18:55)
Cheering you on.